Things I Am No Longer Going to Apologize For:

• The random little songs I sing to myself and the people/animals around me. They make me happy and they’re so ridiculous, you should probably be laughing too.

• That farts still make me laugh. It might make me a ten year old boy, but it’s a funny noise and it’s not supposed to happen, so I’m probably going to crack up. There is obviously a time and a place for this.

• That I am paranoid as fuck* about certain things

• *That I have a mouth like a sailor. (Again, I know there is a time and a place for this and in front of a kid is not it)

• That I am a diehard romantic. I am always going to root for a good love story.

• That I will always be willing to forgive someone more than my friends think I should. Has it caused me pain in the past? Oh lord, absolutely… but it’s who I am and I’m tired for apologizing for being me.

• That I love nail polish. Don’t like the fact I have over 50 bottles and will get more? That’s so sad for you, I’m going to admire my pretty, pretty nails while you bitch about it.

• That I want to be a tom boy, Goth princess, punk, badass fighter, and elegant woman all rolled into one. It’s why I joke I need 8 weddings, I’ll never be able to decide what style to go with.

• Enjoying my men with excellent muscle structure. Call me primitive or shallow or whatever you like, I love a ripped guy. Obviously personality trumps all (just look at some of my crushes) but I’m not going to feel bad for lusting after a sexy body.

• Being completely ridiculous. Love me and all my quirks, or get the hell out of my life.

Just a little something I had to get off my chest and put out to remind myself that I don’t need to be sorry for being me.

11 Things…

I got this from Adria nearly a month ago. I’m not good at these things…

Rules:
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each per­son must post 11 things about them­selves on their blog.
3. Answer the ques­tions the tag­ger set for you in their post, and cre­ate 11 new questions for the peo­ple you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 peo­ple to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tag­ging sec­tion about ‘you are tagged if you are read­ing this.’ You legit­i­mately have to tag 11 people.

11 things about me:
1. I was born on the cusp of the Taurus/Gemini switch. It’s interesting how well my personality falls into both of these signs.
2.  I am completely and utterly terrified of aliens. There is nothing reasonable or logical about my level of fear. Yet I will watch almost anything with aliens in it.
3.  I read almost nothing but romance novels. Paranormal, suspense, historical – it has to have a plot, good characters, and something to keep the story flowing. I tend to get bored with straight up, nothing else happening romances. But yeah, those books most people mock. Due to this, my friends and family are concerned that I have a skewed idea of what romance is.
4. I have very vivid day dreams and it’s hard to snap out of them sometimes.
5.  I have an incredibly hard time coming up with “facts about me!” or “things you like about yourself!” despite the fact that people always tell me I’m very interesting.
6. I believe in soul mates, but I don’t necessarily believe that there is only one love in this lifetime for everyone.
7. I love writing and have a ton of ideas and characters bouncing around in my head, but to the everlasting frustration of friends and family, I almost never finish a story.
8.  I love hearing about people. People I know, people I don’t. I’ll make up histories for people I see on the street sometimes. I’m incredibly nosy and always want to know who you’re talking about and why. I just love hearing about it!
9. It takes a lot for me to think a movie was “bad”. I may not enjoy it because it’s not my style, but I won’t label it as bad unless it makes B movies look Oscar worthy. Or it has really terrible dialogue.
10.  I wish I could draw. Or at least at even a touch of talent. I have so many ideas and faces in my head and I wish I could bring them out on paper, but I just… can’t. Sad face.
11.  I will be able to speak up for another person or animal (especially an animal) in trouble or danger in an instant. But I have a much harder time finding my voice for myself. I’m working on changing that though!

Adria’s questions:
1. What is your favorite Christmas song and why?

“White Christmas” because I love the voices and we watch the movie almost every year. It’s so corny, but sweet. Also, I love when it snows on Christmas, so that helps. (She sent me this before Christmas so this question isn’t completely random. I’m just terrible at doing… anything on time.)

2. Who do you know in person that you look up to the most?

This is very hard because I know a lot of really wonderful people. My circles of friends contain some of the strongest individuals I can imagine, with such wonderful personalities. My older sister and parents have been through so much, but still continue to find joy in the little things and have normal lives. I’m very lucky in the people I know.

3. If you have kids, did you plan for them? If you don’t, do you want kids?

I want kids very badly. I have always just known I was going to be a mother. Granted, I will be waiting for quite a bit longer because certain things have to be accomplished before I plan on having them. Ya know, marriage, some semblance of financial security. I know, everyone share a hearty laugh at the foolish 24 year old now.

4. What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

That’s pretty tough because I have a very vivid imagination and it translates into my dreams. Maybe the giant snake chasing me through the house, the cat with the poisonous claw that could only be killed if it went through three layers of clothing (it killed you by stabbing you in the butt, so I wore two layers of underwear for a week or so after), or maybe the dream where I was handcuffed to this man and we had to find our way through the museum. To this day, that is one of the sexiest and most romantic dreams I’ve ever had. Which did not reassure my mother regarding Fun Fact #3, since I found it necessary to mention it to her.

5. If a movie was written about your life, who would you want as the director?

I don’t really know directors that well, so I’m not sure. I think Hayao Miyazaki would do a good job capturing the fantastical aspects of my mind without letting the realism of my life vanish.

6. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a horse, the pope, a knight, a horse breeder, a writer, and a forensic profiler.

7. What is your favorite store?

This is really sad, but Four Your Paws Only is just so fantastic to all the animals that I just love that store and the staff in it. Otherwise, I don’t really have a favorite store for myself. It depends on my mood.

8. If you could tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?

Don’t be so scared. You are worth being confident about. And yes, that friend you think is an idiot will completely prove you right. Oh, and relax about the hugging thing. You freeze up about it in college and really, really miss being able to hug your friends. I could go on.

9. What are your long term goals – say, five years from now?

I was asked this recently and I hate this question. I don’t do well with “goals”. I don’t really make them. I’m not great with lists either, although I’m working on that. In five years I’d like to be sure that I’ve found my life partner, soul mate, whatever you want to call it. I wouldn’t mind being married. Maybe have a kid on the way. I’d like to continue to be involved in animal rescue, maybe be instrumental to it. I’d like to own where I live and love it. I’d like a vegetable garden. I want to love and be loved. That’s my big life goal.

10. Is there any movie or song that makes you cry?

There are a few of both, but I can’t for the life of me think of the names. I will cry when a romance ends badly (I mean really badly), when a child dies on a parent, when certain favorite characters die in touching manners. I snot-nosed cried when Doby died. Not ashamed of that. I have trouble watching sweet and innocent things killed or badly hurt. I’m also not ashamed to admit that one of the hardest tv shows I’ve watched was the episode of CSI: Miami where the only witness was a mentally retarded man and they hurt him so badly before killing him. Depending on my emotional state, watching soldiers come home or hearing families wish for them to come home will make me cry. It used to be very hard to make me cry, but since I started birth control, holy pickles… I cry a bunch. Kind of annoying.

11. Why do you get out of bed in the morning?

Because the dogs need me to. Because I want to see what’s coming next.

My Questions:

1.       If you didn’t have to worry about money or “responsibilities”, what would you do?
2.       If you could change anything in your life, would you?
3.       What was your favorite game as a kid (and do you still play)?
4.       What can’t you live without?
5.       What is your most irrational fear?
6.       If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? No, seriously.
7.       What is a place you have always wanted to visit? Or what is a place you can go back to again and again?
8.       Do you have a guilty pleasure? What is it?
9.       If you could learn a language, what would it be and why?
10.   Do you have a signature piece of jewelry or clothing you wear constantly, or at least have as a go-to?
11.   What is your idea of the perfect living situation? A mansion, a hobbit hole, a tent in a field?

So here is where I’m supposed to link to the 11 people I want to tag to do this… but for some reason I can’t get the links to work. So, I’d like to tag Shaba, MFA Mama, Adria, Nicole, Eleni from Hopes Dies Last, Chelsea, Kaply, and Jess from Alone… with cats and just hope that they read this and know. Even though half those names don’t reallllly know I exist, haha.

Plants Plants Plants Plants

I have an obsession with plants. I’ve mentioned it a few times and it even has its own little blog tag. Awww, adorable. I characterize it as an obsession because I am constantly dramatic in my speech and because I find myself purchasing new plants or repotting current plants as a way to boost my mood. That and it’s very hard for me to pass by the Garden section of any store I’m in without trying to rationalize a purchase.

You would expect, then, that my apartment would be filled to the point of looking like a greenhouse or an episode of Hoarders. It doesn’t. My roommate may not completely agree, but every plant has a place and there isn’t a lot of crowding. Sure, it gets a little tight when cold weather dictates that I bring in my outside plants, but I’ve stuck those in the Fuzzies’ room where my roommate doesn’t have to trip over them. And it was a struggle to find new places when we decided to use a plant stand to hold up our cute little Christmas tree.

This is on my mind currently because I’ve moved to a different office and I now have a little more room. Instantly my mind was trying to decide between plants and a fish tank. I’m going with plants because, hey, let’s face it… I need another fish tank to take care of like I need another hang nail. I have plenty (of both currently) and it hurts when I don’t take proper care of them. (Hah, a complete metaphor, go me!)

I think plants make a room come alive and they can make such a lovely impression. I love all the different kinds and finding the perfect spot and perfect pot pleases me so much. When I have to repot them it’s a moment of triumph for me because I did such a good job taking care of the little guy, he’s grown enough to need a bigger space.

So basically, this post is just an excuse for me to talk about plants before I go out and buy that nifty tropical with the pink leaves to put in that corner riiiiight over there. Perfect. File this post under WTF: Random.

Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

Utterly Random Musing

Do you ever feel so much that you think your body is going
to burst? Have you thought something was so beautiful or so sweet that your
heart hurt… your chest, right where your heart is, actually hurt? I’ve been
feeling that way almost constantly for a little bit. The smallest thing is
taking my breath away, my heart hurt as I drove past the foliage and gorgeous
scenery that makes up my home, and hot, sweet memories are making me bite my
lip and smile. It’s almost uncomfortable feeling this way. Because as full as
it leaves me, I also sense very deeply an emptiness. The slightest thing is
also making me tear up. I am extra sensitive to the time apart from those I
deem important. It’s almost too much to bear.

I feel like I’m going to explode into stardust.

Burst the Bubble

Would you rather know the details of something that was
awful and had the potential to deeply disturb you and stay with you or would
you rather be blissfully unaware?

I ask this because often I will learn of something that is
so awful I feel I have to share, but I know most people don’t want to hear
about it. Part of me can’t blame them. I’m the kind of person who has scenes
and phrases that will replay in my mind for years and years. It’s not nice to
have that kind of thing in your head. It’s not comfortable.

Joe used to ask why I would look at articles of animal abuse
or get involved in trying to save animals on the euthsinia list if it made me
cry. He couldn’t understand why anyone would continue to do something that
clearly upset them.

But if everyone looks away, ignores what is happening, then
who steps up? Who says “This isn’t right, there has to be another way. There
has to be a way to stop this from happening.”? I understand the idea of staying
in that comfortable bubble. I get why people want to leave things alone.

But I can’t always be that person. What do you do? It’s okay
to be in that bubble… you have to be able to work on yourself before you work
on the world. I’m just curious how people see themselves.

Hanging On for the Ride

It’s hard getting my thoughts in order and then down on the page. I’m so used to being able to write nearly effortlessly that this… disconnect has been very strange for me. Obviously, I don’t write as much as I did and things have been very stressful for the past…. year. But still… I feel I should still write as well and easily as before.

Things have been very black and white lately. 2011 is pulling a Dickens and becoming the best and worst of times. My self-confidence and self-worth have risen to a level I never thought possible. I’ve met some great people and gotten closer to others that I treasure. I find myself a stronger person. However, it’s also been a year of some serious depression and upheavals. Change can be good, but it is always stressful and plans never work out quite the way you saw them originally.

What’s all this vague blah blah blah about? A great example is the end of the July heading into the foreseeable future. My heart was filled to bursting as I traveled back to NEPA to attend the wedding of the Philosopher to his beautiful partner. I got to spend some serious quality time with some of my best friends. Shaba and I have decided this seeing each other once a year for weddings bullshit has to stop. We’re out of mutual friends prepared to make the leap, afterall.

However, the day I arrived, I also got the news I was dreading about the health of a close family member. It is an interesting feeling in the heart to feel incredibly happy and devastated at the same time. Then mix in some fury, since I deal with things well. We won’t even mention the stress from job concerns, since that takes a serious back seat to this.

Another layer added on to this complicated trifle of emotions was that right as all of this was happening, I was also starting something more than just an exchange of emails with a guy from one of the dating sites. The first one to grab my attention and keep it. To make my heart pound. The first one to make me act like a total girl and throw on thirty different outfits before meeting for pizza. He can make me smile from just a text and has me constantly laughing and happy when I’m with him. And I seem to be doing the same things for him (although he’d probably object to being called a girl and I doubt he put on thirty outfits before meeting me at the drive-in last night).

Of course because it’s me, he can’t be a simple guy in my mountains, just doing his thing. No, he’s a Navy man (mmm, that uniform)(also bonus points due to serious pride for my father’s Naval service) who is going through his own share of troubles. An hour and a half away from me. But if he can brighten my heart through the health issues and missing of friends and I can make him laugh despite his situation, then I think this is worth further exploration.

So my life is a roller coaster with some pretty serious dips and turns right now. Good thing I like adventure, right?

How are all of you? Screaming up and down a roller coaster or taking a turn in the tea cups?

Blehh… sunshine and happiness hurt.

So I am in day two of the first migraine in awhile. I’m also
knee deep in day two of brilliant, gorgeous sunlight. Of course the world
decides to explode in lighted glory right as I become massively light
sensitive. The good news is I haven’t thrown up. Yet. Aren’t you glad you’re
reading?

In the dating world, nothing has really improved. There are
definitely some nice guys out there, but honestly, when I get a message saying
that “Clitpleaser86” wants to meet me, I don’t get that excited. At least he’s
up front about what he thinks he can offer a woman. I’ll give people like him
that much. I’m definitely still having fun, so there’s that. I just can’t help
laughing at some of the stuff people think is a good idea to put out there.

I will be more exciting after this headache dies its painful
death. Unless it takes me with it. Then the funeral will be exciting.

 

It’s Not Always Gumdrops and Glitter

Just to be clear, life is not all peachy and perfect for me. I don’t want to give the impression that Joe and I broke up and the world became right. God, no. I have my moments of deep sadness, even depression. This weekend I almost broke down in the shower because I wasn’t able to control my two huge dogs on a walk as well as I wanted. I was so mad and sad and felt like I was failing in every aspect. But then I realized it was nearly 11 and all I had had to eat was a handful of mini marshmallows. Not exactly the breakfast of the sane and rational.

I get mad at Joe for the choices he made and I get upset when I see all the things I could have done differently. The important part is that when I catch myself doing this, I work really hard to stop. Looking back is important because we need to learn from the past, but you cannot change what has already happened. Concentrating on that leads only to madness.

I AM happier, I AM healthier, and I AM continuing to do what I see as best for myself and my loves. I’m legitimately excited for the future and what I’m going to find there. It’ll be big and it’ll be impressive, because I honestly can’t accept anything less than that. I mean too much to accept less than what I deserve.

The best part is that I’m finally learning that those words are true. They aren’t just something I’m saying to shut up a well meaning friend or family member. I am worth it. I may still get sad or angry or hate the way I look in that shirt, but at least those are becoming the rare moments in my life instead of the normal.

So I’ll forgive myself those brief moments when I want to slam a fist through a wall or want to crawl under the covers and cry. Because they are brief. And they remind me of how far I’ve come and how much more I have to go.

It’s going to be a fun journey! There will probably be fire…

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.