The Red Threads That Tie Us…

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Archive for the month “January, 2011”

The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

So apparently it’s the all new raging fad to admit that you are insane. Or at least going through some crappy times that make you feel crappy for way long than you think is acceptable. This? Sucks.

The Bloggess, always an inspiration, is calling out for people to talk about their problems. She was inspired by someone who actually made a documentary (a little one, but powerful) about coming out about his mental illness.

Part of me thinks “Awesome! I’m not alone!” But the other part is just sad that soooo many people feel this badly. Seriously? I have tears in my eyes right now. But I’m willing to admit I’m not feeling exactly stable.

I am the biggest hypocrite. I work in the mental health field. I KNOW how important it is to talk, to let people know how you are feeling. That going to therapy can be a good thing! But I’m ashamed to let certain people know I’m talking to someone. Professionally. And I cried telling my person that I was depressed. HOW CAN I FEEL THAT WAY?! I TELL EVERYONE I KNOW WHO IS HAVING ISSUES TO TALK TO SOMEONE! THAT IT’S OKAY TO TAKE THOSE MEDS IF DEEMED NECESSARY! But I’m ashamed.

I’m scared to talk to the people who really matter about how I feel. The Boyfriend? I have no idea how he is living with me right now. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. Maybe I’m making this all up in my head. All I know is I can’t sleep at night because all I think about is how I’m not enough and I’m worthless and I’M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SAD AND ANGRY.

I feel like I’m just spinning around and around. I go through spurts of happy and think “Yaaaay! It’s over!” and then BAM, something happens and my mind is curled up in a ball inside my head, whimpering.

All I know is I need to stop avoiding things I worry will hurt and just fucking confront them.

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Stop It

Argh… can’t stand it. I have to counter-act the negativity of my last post with something good.

We caught three feral cats during the really cold snap after Christmas and they’ve all been fixed, checked for disease, and vaccinated. The little ones have lung worm, but they’re fighting it off.

These are the younger two. One is definitely going to be adoptable; the other one might be if he gets enough affection. They look so nervous here!

It's okay, little guys! We're the food givers!

They were caught together in the same trap

I didn’t get a picture of the older black guy because he was so terrified and flying everywhere trying to get away from us at the shelter. Then when I showed up later, he was hiding under the blankets. He’ll be released soon, so he’ll be happy again and free of parasites.

I already had offers from two co-workers to go and snuggle with the cats for an hour to help make them more adoptable. That’s so wonderful!

See, this is what I need to be thinking about when I start getting miserable. It’s just so hard to break into the spiral once it has started.

Dissolving Resolve

This is why I never make New Years Resolutions. Because I am terrible at them and the petulant teenager in me apparently goes “Oh, you think you’re going to do what? Yeah… I don’t think so, bitch.”

That’s my subtle way of saying that I have not really “thought beautifully” for any length of time since my last post. Go me. I understand that I get hormone fluxes that seriously affect my temperament. But this is bullshit.

I am so tired of being negative. It’s like I cannot stop my mind from hating me and everything around me. Yes, I am tired. Yes, money is tight. Yes, I weigh more than I find attractive. These are factors in a bad mood, but it’s no real reason for the near constant barrage of negativity I’ve had slamming into my mind. I can’t turn it off once it starts!!

I have moments where I am happy and laughing, but the moments where I am nearly in tears (or I actually am sobbing, hiding in the bedroom or bathroom) or silently raging are increasing. Again.

I don’t even want to finish this because I’m upset at how ugly it is.

Ugh. I’ll try to be better. But sometimes I wish I was enough just as I am.

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