The Red Threads That Tie Us…

Grab a thread and tug.

The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

So apparently it’s the all new raging fad to admit that you are insane. Or at least going through some crappy times that make you feel crappy for way long than you think is acceptable. This? Sucks.

The Bloggess, always an inspiration, is calling out for people to talk about their problems. She was inspired by someone who actually made a documentary (a little one, but powerful) about coming out about his mental illness.

Part of me thinks “Awesome! I’m not alone!” But the other part is just sad that soooo many people feel this badly. Seriously? I have tears in my eyes right now. But I’m willing to admit I’m not feeling exactly stable.

I am the biggest hypocrite. I work in the mental health field. I KNOW how important it is to talk, to let people know how you are feeling. That going to therapy can be a good thing! But I’m ashamed to let certain people know I’m talking to someone. Professionally. And I cried telling my person that I was depressed. HOW CAN I FEEL THAT WAY?! I TELL EVERYONE I KNOW WHO IS HAVING ISSUES TO TALK TO SOMEONE! THAT IT’S OKAY TO TAKE THOSE MEDS IF DEEMED NECESSARY! But I’m ashamed.

I’m scared to talk to the people who really matter about how I feel. The Boyfriend? I have no idea how he is living with me right now. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. Maybe I’m making this all up in my head. All I know is I can’t sleep at night because all I think about is how I’m not enough and I’m worthless and I’M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SAD AND ANGRY.

I feel like I’m just spinning around and around. I go through spurts of happy and think “Yaaaay! It’s over!” and then BAM, something happens and my mind is curled up in a ball inside my head, whimpering.

All I know is I need to stop avoiding things I worry will hurt and just fucking confront them.

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3 thoughts on “The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

  1. I already am very glad I ound your website. I am an LCSW who had to leave my field for now because I am so depressed, and married to a man who completely has no understanding for anybody having any pain physical, mental, whatever.

    My wonderful 17 year old only child, was killed in a car accident with her best friend and two other 17 year olds in 2006. In the car that I had bought for her. I miss her beyond words, and I am an only child, parents are dead, grandparents are dead, and even her father died last year at age 52 of a heart attack on July 4th. I found out by VOICE MAIL 2 days later on my birthday of all things.

    Now I’m on SSDI, have no health insurance and am out of all my meds. So for the last few days I’ve been diving into my self-loathing, my anger at the world that I take out on myself so completely.

    If I end up yelling at my husband, who I only started going out with just a couple months before the accident… and who lived in a shed because he is an alcoholic who drinks 100 % alcohol, nearly a gallon a day (I added up the cost and no wonder we are so completely poor, it adds up to 2100 a month! How he does it when I’m not the gullible giver, I do not know. Anyway, if I lose my temper, he wants to call the cops to take me away ha ha, hee, hee…

    I worked at the hospital doing outpatient therapy, and I have ended up there in the last few months since being on disability. I do not want to go there again. But he used to get beat up as a child when his little sister cried. So no wonder he gets angry, freaked out, and treats me like I’m an immature (“Grow UP!), and wimpy (panty waste, he calls it) when I’m crying, or hiding from the world or on the occasions when my anger explodes!

    I do have a therapist and she’s not charging me right now, thank goodness… but I’m so alone now and so unable to reach out except in this relatively anonymous way, and except for texting my best friend who lives on the opposite coast.

    He has no respect or understanding for what I went through to become educated and get my license, or what an achievement it was to buy a house (which I will probably lose now). He was taken out of school by his adopted father at age 13 so that he could work on the ranch.

    He only wants to laugh, watch wrestling (I’m sorry, I grew up thinking that kind of thing was for people with no brains)… his friends are all alcoholics too, so of course they are all giving each other support.

    I feel like I shouldn’t say so much about him…. so I will stop that.

    Anyway, I look forward to checking out this website more, I like how you refered to yourself as the Bloggess! And the site is beautiful too. I’m amazed that you also are in the mental health field and you have given me a bit of hope.

    I want to complain some more though, I’m not quite done.

    My Mom (who I loved, and she loved me I know, but we had a really difficult and painful relationship) died of cancer a year and half before my daughter. Then my Grandma who I adored and had a beautiful relationship with died six months after my daughter. That is all bad enough right?! Anyway, my mother’s sister (i.e. my aunt) took over being the trustee of my Grandma’s estate right after my daughter died (taking it from my Uncle by bad-mouthing him to my poor debilitated 96 year old Grandma) and then, just 9 days before my Grandma died (and neither I or my Uncle ever found out from what, other than being elderly…but still there is a cause somehow, being old is not the only thing that does one in.) anyway NINE days before she died, my aunt took my Grandma to an attorney of my aunt’s choosing, to have the Trust changed dramatically. It was to have been split three ways 1/3 to aunt, 1/3 to uncle, 1/3 to me since my Mom died prior to my Grandma. It would have been about $300,000 to me but she had it changed so that she and uncle still got their 1/3, but my Mom’s 1/3 was now to be split between all the grandchildren… aunt has 5 kids (and she and her husband are extremely wealthy, she in real estate, he as a contractor who was working for a large city school system and making big bucks for every worker he hired $32 more an hour for each worker to go to HIM let alone what he was already making). Anyway she has FIVE kids, my Mom had me that’s it, and my Uncle had only one child as well. So $300,000 became $43,000 BUT I hired an attorney to try to fight it… and he got his commission… like $15,000… they did “give” me a bit more through mediation, I really should have just gone to court but I had no energy and was doing this all by phone as I am 800 miles from all of them and was so depressed and debilitated from losing my daughter.

    My main reason for being so angry, is just knowing that that money would have helped me get through this time when I can no longer earn and may lose my house that my daughter was so proud of. Now I am living on $1200 a month. My husband spent the money we did get on his alcohol and a lot of lumber… I did get a fridge, washer and dryer and a flat screen TV but then (because I was so out of it and not paying attention to what he was doing….) it was just gone! Even when I got the few months that Social Security ended up accruing (around $5000), Bam, that was gone too! Thanks a lot honey! And he gets an attitude about doing most of the grocery shopping (I have become agoraphobic as well, pretty understandable if one understands depression, PTSD etc). But geez, I have always been the one to pay the bills, in the four years we have been together, he has brought toooooo me fooor bills a total of about $600!!!!!

    So, I am not angry that the other grandchildren (I’m the eldest, nine years older that the next one down, and the others came in rapid succession in my aunts family) got something… however, as my Uncle pointed out to me, THEY still have parents to inherit from, and they will… a LOT at some point. Both my parents are gone and neither had any money to leave me. Geez my Mom took out life insurance policies on ME and on MY daughter!!!! Her husband, my stepdad, also an alcoholic as was my Mom and my Dad… ended up being a bitter hateful man to me and was even reluctant to let me have the engagement ring that MY FATHER had given my Mom!!! Oooooooo I really am so very angry at so very many things (including abuse and neglect as a child… geez, I HAD gotten past that pain… but it floods in on me again…arrrgggh) and then it all boils down literally like boiling water settling rapidly when the flame is turned off…. boils down to I just want my daughter back, I just want her BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

    So then I hate the world (a world that I had been working to make better, a world that I had compassion for), I’m so sad, so lonely, I’ve lost all of my creativity, my concentration for reading, my ability to go outside and garden… Annnnd, have lost my wonderful dog, and a beautiful part Wolf who had the same name as my daughter (I was given her when my daughter’s best friend’s Grandma died shortly after my Grandma died), my wonderful old cat (I found her hanging by one claw, mouth agape in a death cry as she was too old to get herself over the fence at night while we were sleeping… talk about adding to my PTSD… and just a month ago we had to have my husband’s beautiful wonderful big dog who had become my only real companion, to sleep as well.

    I used to paint oil paintings, make necklaces, earrings and bracelets, knit, read voraciously, loved so very much gardening in what was MY yard… I cooked yummy food, my house was clean and pretty… it all meant so much to me, and have my daughter and her friends here, playing DDR on the Playstation, watching movies, taking them places, taking my daughter to Sea World, Disneyland, Wild Animal Park, SD Zoo, walks on the pier and stuff when we would go to visit my mom while she was going through her chemotherapy… we would read books out loud together, she LOVED reading, she had HUGE potential, wanted to be a doctor, was kind, intelligent, creative, giving, and just plain everything in the Universe to me.

    And now my world is destroyed, I am not respected for anything I’ve achieved by my husband or his friends… I’ve lost the world of work, even being a supervisor in Child Welfare Services for a few years (and getting all those wonderful kudos from those I supervised as well as my bosses). My daughter’s father is now gone, and we at least had each other in this horrific loss, he was a good friend and we still loved each other as good parents to our wonderful daughter.

    Thank you for providing a place for me to just go on and on with my sadness and anger. May we all find our way and learn to live, for some it will be for the first time, for others it will be “again.”

    JW

  2. AlexMac on said:

    I am so, so sorry for you and your situation. I wish I could give you a big, supportive hug, or we could sit down for coffee and vent. I’m glad you felt safe enough to do it here. I hope you continue to heal and go on.

    I do want to make sure you know that I’m not The Bloggess, she’s a really wonderful, funny, and popular blogger who I highly recommend you read. thebloggess.com is her website. She’ll help you feel less alone, at least she always does for me.

    Thank you so much for commenting. You have touched my heart.

  3. Thank you so much, you remind me of my dearest friend who lives in Philly. She’s an awesomely talented artist… I texted her last night after I wrote the site last night (I will check out the bloggess site too, thanks for the info). My friend says I need to leave my husband, and sadly, very sadly I think she’s right.

    By the way, I love watching true crime too. The Investigation Discovery Channel… you must know it.

    I wish I could sit and have coffee with you too. I wish I could wiggle my nose like in Bewitched & just be away from this place that has made me so sad and tired. I guess there is a “Part 4” of my life just around the bend. If I make it to Philly, it would be so nice to be able to have coffee with you and my friend.

    Thanks for being there, it really helped to wake up this am (its about 9:30am here) and find your reply. I see my counselor later, and will share all with her. I need to take action, don’t know how to start because I”m so depleted of my strength… but I am reaching out, and that is new and healthy. One of my daughter’s teachers (I’ve never met but he was so impressed with her) has reached out through email, postcard, facebook. I may have to ask him & my also tell my Uncle what is going on with my marriage… ask them to help me get away.

    Thanks again, Jennifer

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