The Red Threads That Tie Us…

Grab a thread and tug.

Blehh… sunshine and happiness hurt.

So I am in day two of the first migraine in awhile. I’m also
knee deep in day two of brilliant, gorgeous sunlight. Of course the world
decides to explode in lighted glory right as I become massively light
sensitive. The good news is I haven’t thrown up. Yet. Aren’t you glad you’re
reading?

In the dating world, nothing has really improved. There are
definitely some nice guys out there, but honestly, when I get a message saying
that “Clitpleaser86” wants to meet me, I don’t get that excited. At least he’s
up front about what he thinks he can offer a woman. I’ll give people like him
that much. I’m definitely still having fun, so there’s that. I just can’t help
laughing at some of the stuff people think is a good idea to put out there.

I will be more exciting after this headache dies its painful
death. Unless it takes me with it. Then the funeral will be exciting.

 

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It’s Not Always Gumdrops and Glitter

Just to be clear, life is not all peachy and perfect for me. I don’t want to give the impression that Joe and I broke up and the world became right. God, no. I have my moments of deep sadness, even depression. This weekend I almost broke down in the shower because I wasn’t able to control my two huge dogs on a walk as well as I wanted. I was so mad and sad and felt like I was failing in every aspect. But then I realized it was nearly 11 and all I had had to eat was a handful of mini marshmallows. Not exactly the breakfast of the sane and rational.

I get mad at Joe for the choices he made and I get upset when I see all the things I could have done differently. The important part is that when I catch myself doing this, I work really hard to stop. Looking back is important because we need to learn from the past, but you cannot change what has already happened. Concentrating on that leads only to madness.

I AM happier, I AM healthier, and I AM continuing to do what I see as best for myself and my loves. I’m legitimately excited for the future and what I’m going to find there. It’ll be big and it’ll be impressive, because I honestly can’t accept anything less than that. I mean too much to accept less than what I deserve.

The best part is that I’m finally learning that those words are true. They aren’t just something I’m saying to shut up a well meaning friend or family member. I am worth it. I may still get sad or angry or hate the way I look in that shirt, but at least those are becoming the rare moments in my life instead of the normal.

So I’ll forgive myself those brief moments when I want to slam a fist through a wall or want to crawl under the covers and cry. Because they are brief. And they remind me of how far I’ve come and how much more I have to go.

It’s going to be a fun journey! There will probably be fire…

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

“I have a feeling.” Yeah, that you’re about to be slapped with a restraining order.

I’ve been doing a little internet dating. Rather, I put a profile on a few sites and others have been doing a little stalking. Originally it was just fun to see who was out there, in fact my friend started it by making me a profile as a joke. At this point? I barely even check the sites.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been an AWESOME boost to my self confidence. I don’t think I’ve ever had so many people complimenting me and trying to get my attention. However… apparently the vast majority of guys are on these sites because no one ever taught them how to talk to women. “Heo[sic] cutie, how you feel about casual sex?” Uhhhh, I think you’re 19, 90 miles away, and EWWWWWWW. “Hey, liked ur pics and u don’t seem totally batshit crazy.” Oh, you could tell that from my three pictures, one of which is of a giant snake looped over my shoulders? You are clearly an excellent judge of character. “Nice pics, here’s my number. I know I’ll hear from you soon.” No. No you won’t.

I get it, a lot of creeps hang on those website hoping for an easy lay. But even those people who seem to be looking for a relationship have no clue how to really talk to anyone. I had some guy lay it on so thickly I was choking. “You are my beautiful internet crush. I have a feeling we’re meant to be. I know we’ve only started talking, but I really can’t wait to meet you. Can you come tonight? I’ll be a gentleman, I promise.”  That one right there continued to text me for two weeks after I stopped responding. The next guy who managed to get my number sent me 36 picture messages in the span of 12 hours and also went a little bananas. He was 22 and already divorced and it wasn’t hard to see why. Sweet lord, the questions he asked, the audacity… it was funny when it wasn’t harassing.

So I’m going back to what I had planned all along. I’m going to be happy with myself (check), be open to meeting new people, and just have a good time. Hopefully without creeps who can’t take even the most blunt of hints.

Blockage

I need a haircut. This could be a beautiful metaphor about my life and where I need to take it (snipping off the dead ends and the like) but I’m too lazy to really work it through right now. Also, I legitimately need a hair cut. As in, I rock short hair and haven’t seen Stephanie of the Shears (official title I just gave my hairdresser) since mid-November. Luckily, she’s awesome so my hair is growing out in a fabulous fashion, but…

It’s time.

So what’s the big deal? Just call The Shears and get it done, right? Wrong. I’ve discussed this before, but I am awful at making appointments for anything personal, important, or having to do with changing things. I’m not sure what this mental block is, but it is borderline retarded. It seriously annoys, but since my mind is controlled by a pissy 14 year old girl, I just kind of get in a cat-fight with myself and nothing changes.

It’s not like I’m scared she’s going to do something terrible to my hair… hair is hair to me. It grows. Try something fun and different and if it sucks, give it a week and try something else. Or… keep the same haircut that has worked for roughly the past three years. I hope I try something fun and different, but my hair is incredibly fine and difficult to work with.

It’s not that I’m worried she’s going to ask how Joe and I are doing and I’ll have to awkwardly explain the breakup. He’s already gotten a haircut, I’m sure, and filled her in. So she’ll ask how I’m doing, eyes wary for tears, and I can wave a hand dismissively and smile, telling her how much fun I’m having.

Ugh. So I just have to stop being a jerk and go. Be okay with changes. JUST MAKE THE DAMN PHONE CALL, YA PANSY.

I have the same problem with picking things to decorate the apartment with. Mental block! Can’t choose! Let’s make this go away, shall we?

 

Inspiring

I received the nicest compliment I’ve gotten in a long time yesterday. My coworker K has a little boy who is around nine who comes into the office once in awhile. He and I frequently chat about my office beta and he keeps me up to date on his fiddler crab situation. He is a very sweet, incredibly charming little boy whose smile can light up the room. Apparently, he went to his mom the other day and asked “Do you know who inspired me to take really good care of my pets and love all creatures, furry and scaly?” Then he beamed up at her and said “AlexMac did!”

When K told me that, it just made my day. It was just the pick up I needed. I don’t know if I’ve ever been anyone’s inspiration before.

 

Birthday Crush

My little sister’s birthday is tomorrow. I have a gift for her, but apparently getting it in the mail in a timely fashion was just a little too much adulthood for me. You’d think the fact the gift is smiling cupcake key decorators would have taken care of lingering irresponsibility. But no. My sister’s gift will be late. She may not get a card. Although I really want her to get a card.

In other news, I feel this urge to decorate, both myself and the apartment, but I have run into a serious issue. While I have wonderful ideas in my head, I am terrible at implementing them. It’s kind of sad, really. I’m like a really enthusiastic four year old. All of the imagination, none of the fine motor skills.

I did buy some wall decals for my bedroom (classy ones, not toy cars, don’t worry) and I’m thinking of putting a clock in the living room. But otherwise I just stare and think “Crap… what should I put there?”

I’ll end this hodgepodge of a post by saying that I have a crush. It feels really nice to have those warm tingly feelings again and those little fantasies. I hope it becomes more than a crush, but I have to say hi to the guy for that to happen, don’t I?

Revolutionary Girl is Back!

So a lot has happened since my last post.

The Boyfriend decided that he didn’t want to try and live with me anymore. We were having issues, been feeling more like roommates than anything else, but instead of talking about it, he just quit. I was shocked and upset and hurt, but almost instantly my thought was “It’s his loss.” And it is. I’m a lot of work, but I’m worth it in the end and he didn’t want to stick it out. Some other stuff happened, but it’s not worth going into. We’re sharing custody of our two dogs, but I have them most of the time right now.

I’ve moved out, into a three bedroom INCREDIBLE apartment with my coworker and friend. I’m loving it. The apartment has such great vibes and light and Jessie is so easy to get along with. We’ve been having so much fun together.

My depression is pretty much gone. I don’t expect that to last forever, but it’s a nice break! I will always get sad and angry at times, but my highs right now are wonderful. And they seem to be lasting. A lot of my depression was revolving around my relationship and how I never felt like enough or like I was being a real partner. And we weren’t. We waited too long to really talk and try to work out our problems so this is how it worked out. I’m okay with this. I’m really looking forward to what the future brings me.

I hope The Boyfriend and I can be friends, good friends, because that’s what we’ve always been. But I’m leaving that ball in his court because he doesn’t seem to want to be around me and I’m sure as hell not pushing. I went that route before and a one sided friendship is just awful. So The Boyfriend is now just Joe and we’ll either be friends or just civil when we pass the dogs off to one another.

I followed ChelseaTalksSmack’s idea for Valentine’s Revolution to a certain extent. I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day, single or not, and this year my roommate Jessie and I were both single, so we planned an awesome day! We bought salmon and rice for dinner, a bunch of spa things to treat ourselves with afterwards. We ended up spending a lot of time building a tv stand and putting up a curtain rod, but we still managed to make and decorate two heart shaped cakes, one for us and one for the office, putting on masks, and enjoy The Proposal, which was hilarious! Very sweet, too. It was a wonderful day, and I’m really looking forward to more days like it.

So how are all of you?

The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

So apparently it’s the all new raging fad to admit that you are insane. Or at least going through some crappy times that make you feel crappy for way long than you think is acceptable. This? Sucks.

The Bloggess, always an inspiration, is calling out for people to talk about their problems. She was inspired by someone who actually made a documentary (a little one, but powerful) about coming out about his mental illness.

Part of me thinks “Awesome! I’m not alone!” But the other part is just sad that soooo many people feel this badly. Seriously? I have tears in my eyes right now. But I’m willing to admit I’m not feeling exactly stable.

I am the biggest hypocrite. I work in the mental health field. I KNOW how important it is to talk, to let people know how you are feeling. That going to therapy can be a good thing! But I’m ashamed to let certain people know I’m talking to someone. Professionally. And I cried telling my person that I was depressed. HOW CAN I FEEL THAT WAY?! I TELL EVERYONE I KNOW WHO IS HAVING ISSUES TO TALK TO SOMEONE! THAT IT’S OKAY TO TAKE THOSE MEDS IF DEEMED NECESSARY! But I’m ashamed.

I’m scared to talk to the people who really matter about how I feel. The Boyfriend? I have no idea how he is living with me right now. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. Maybe I’m making this all up in my head. All I know is I can’t sleep at night because all I think about is how I’m not enough and I’m worthless and I’M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SAD AND ANGRY.

I feel like I’m just spinning around and around. I go through spurts of happy and think “Yaaaay! It’s over!” and then BAM, something happens and my mind is curled up in a ball inside my head, whimpering.

All I know is I need to stop avoiding things I worry will hurt and just fucking confront them.

Stop It

Argh… can’t stand it. I have to counter-act the negativity of my last post with something good.

We caught three feral cats during the really cold snap after Christmas and they’ve all been fixed, checked for disease, and vaccinated. The little ones have lung worm, but they’re fighting it off.

These are the younger two. One is definitely going to be adoptable; the other one might be if he gets enough affection. They look so nervous here!

It's okay, little guys! We're the food givers!

They were caught together in the same trap

I didn’t get a picture of the older black guy because he was so terrified and flying everywhere trying to get away from us at the shelter. Then when I showed up later, he was hiding under the blankets. He’ll be released soon, so he’ll be happy again and free of parasites.

I already had offers from two co-workers to go and snuggle with the cats for an hour to help make them more adoptable. That’s so wonderful!

See, this is what I need to be thinking about when I start getting miserable. It’s just so hard to break into the spiral once it has started.

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