The Red Threads That Tie Us…

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Archive for the tag “friends”

11 Things…

I got this from Adria nearly a month ago. I’m not good at these things…

Rules:
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each per­son must post 11 things about them­selves on their blog.
3. Answer the ques­tions the tag­ger set for you in their post, and cre­ate 11 new questions for the peo­ple you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 peo­ple to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tag­ging sec­tion about ‘you are tagged if you are read­ing this.’ You legit­i­mately have to tag 11 people.

11 things about me:
1. I was born on the cusp of the Taurus/Gemini switch. It’s interesting how well my personality falls into both of these signs.
2.  I am completely and utterly terrified of aliens. There is nothing reasonable or logical about my level of fear. Yet I will watch almost anything with aliens in it.
3.  I read almost nothing but romance novels. Paranormal, suspense, historical – it has to have a plot, good characters, and something to keep the story flowing. I tend to get bored with straight up, nothing else happening romances. But yeah, those books most people mock. Due to this, my friends and family are concerned that I have a skewed idea of what romance is.
4. I have very vivid day dreams and it’s hard to snap out of them sometimes.
5.  I have an incredibly hard time coming up with “facts about me!” or “things you like about yourself!” despite the fact that people always tell me I’m very interesting.
6. I believe in soul mates, but I don’t necessarily believe that there is only one love in this lifetime for everyone.
7. I love writing and have a ton of ideas and characters bouncing around in my head, but to the everlasting frustration of friends and family, I almost never finish a story.
8.  I love hearing about people. People I know, people I don’t. I’ll make up histories for people I see on the street sometimes. I’m incredibly nosy and always want to know who you’re talking about and why. I just love hearing about it!
9. It takes a lot for me to think a movie was “bad”. I may not enjoy it because it’s not my style, but I won’t label it as bad unless it makes B movies look Oscar worthy. Or it has really terrible dialogue.
10.  I wish I could draw. Or at least at even a touch of talent. I have so many ideas and faces in my head and I wish I could bring them out on paper, but I just… can’t. Sad face.
11.  I will be able to speak up for another person or animal (especially an animal) in trouble or danger in an instant. But I have a much harder time finding my voice for myself. I’m working on changing that though!

Adria’s questions:
1. What is your favorite Christmas song and why?

“White Christmas” because I love the voices and we watch the movie almost every year. It’s so corny, but sweet. Also, I love when it snows on Christmas, so that helps. (She sent me this before Christmas so this question isn’t completely random. I’m just terrible at doing… anything on time.)


2. Who do you know in person that you look up to the most?

This is very hard because I know a lot of really wonderful people. My circles of friends contain some of the strongest individuals I can imagine, with such wonderful personalities. My older sister and parents have been through so much, but still continue to find joy in the little things and have normal lives. I’m very lucky in the people I know.


3. If you have kids, did you plan for them? If you don’t, do you want kids?

I want kids very badly. I have always just known I was going to be a mother. Granted, I will be waiting for quite a bit longer because certain things have to be accomplished before I plan on having them. Ya know, marriage, some semblance of financial security. I know, everyone share a hearty laugh at the foolish 24 year old now.


4. What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

That’s pretty tough because I have a very vivid imagination and it translates into my dreams. Maybe the giant snake chasing me through the house, the cat with the poisonous claw that could only be killed if it went through three layers of clothing (it killed you by stabbing you in the butt, so I wore two layers of underwear for a week or so after), or maybe the dream where I was handcuffed to this man and we had to find our way through the museum. To this day, that is one of the sexiest and most romantic dreams I’ve ever had. Which did not reassure my mother regarding Fun Fact #3, since I found it necessary to mention it to her.


5. If a movie was written about your life, who would you want as the director?

I don’t really know directors that well, so I’m not sure. I think Hayao Miyazaki would do a good job capturing the fantastical aspects of my mind without letting the realism of my life vanish.


6. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a horse, the pope, a knight, a horse breeder, a writer, and a forensic profiler.


7. What is your favorite store?

This is really sad, but Four Your Paws Only is just so fantastic to all the animals that I just love that store and the staff in it. Otherwise, I don’t really have a favorite store for myself. It depends on my mood.


8. If you could tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?

Don’t be so scared. You are worth being confident about. And yes, that friend you think is an idiot will completely prove you right. Oh, and relax about the hugging thing. You freeze up about it in college and really, really miss being able to hug your friends. I could go on.


9. What are your long term goals – say, five years from now?

I was asked this recently and I hate this question. I don’t do well with “goals”. I don’t really make them. I’m not great with lists either, although I’m working on that. In five years I’d like to be sure that I’ve found my life partner, soul mate, whatever you want to call it. I wouldn’t mind being married. Maybe have a kid on the way. I’d like to continue to be involved in animal rescue, maybe be instrumental to it. I’d like to own where I live and love it. I’d like a vegetable garden. I want to love and be loved. That’s my big life goal.


10. Is there any movie or song that makes you cry?

There are a few of both, but I can’t for the life of me think of the names. I will cry when a romance ends badly (I mean really badly), when a child dies on a parent, when certain favorite characters die in touching manners. I snot-nosed cried when Doby died. Not ashamed of that. I have trouble watching sweet and innocent things killed or badly hurt. I’m also not ashamed to admit that one of the hardest tv shows I’ve watched was the episode of CSI: Miami where the only witness was a mentally retarded man and they hurt him so badly before killing him. Depending on my emotional state, watching soldiers come home or hearing families wish for them to come home will make me cry. It used to be very hard to make me cry, but since I started birth control, holy pickles… I cry a bunch. Kind of annoying.


11. Why do you get out of bed in the morning?

Because the dogs need me to. Because I want to see what’s coming next.

My Questions:

1.       If you didn’t have to worry about money or “responsibilities”, what would you do?
2.       If you could change anything in your life, would you?
3.       What was your favorite game as a kid (and do you still play)?
4.       What can’t you live without?
5.       What is your most irrational fear?
6.       If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? No, seriously.
7.       What is a place you have always wanted to visit? Or what is a place you can go back to again and again?
8.       Do you have a guilty pleasure? What is it?
9.       If you could learn a language, what would it be and why?
10.   Do you have a signature piece of jewelry or clothing you wear constantly, or at least have as a go-to?
11.   What is your idea of the perfect living situation? A mansion, a hobbit hole, a tent in a field?

So here is where I’m supposed to link to the 11 people I want to tag to do this… but for some reason I can’t get the links to work. So, I’d like to tag Shaba, MFA Mama, Adria, Nicole, Eleni from Hopes Dies Last, Chelsea, Kaply, and Jess from Alone… with cats and just hope that they read this and know. Even though half those names don’t reallllly know I exist, haha.

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Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

Hanging On for the Ride

It’s hard getting my thoughts in order and then down on the page. I’m so used to being able to write nearly effortlessly that this… disconnect has been very strange for me. Obviously, I don’t write as much as I did and things have been very stressful for the past…. year. But still… I feel I should still write as well and easily as before.

Things have been very black and white lately. 2011 is pulling a Dickens and becoming the best and worst of times. My self-confidence and self-worth have risen to a level I never thought possible. I’ve met some great people and gotten closer to others that I treasure. I find myself a stronger person. However, it’s also been a year of some serious depression and upheavals. Change can be good, but it is always stressful and plans never work out quite the way you saw them originally.

What’s all this vague blah blah blah about? A great example is the end of the July heading into the foreseeable future. My heart was filled to bursting as I traveled back to NEPA to attend the wedding of the Philosopher to his beautiful partner. I got to spend some serious quality time with some of my best friends. Shaba and I have decided this seeing each other once a year for weddings bullshit has to stop. We’re out of mutual friends prepared to make the leap, afterall.

However, the day I arrived, I also got the news I was dreading about the health of a close family member. It is an interesting feeling in the heart to feel incredibly happy and devastated at the same time. Then mix in some fury, since I deal with things well. We won’t even mention the stress from job concerns, since that takes a serious back seat to this.

Another layer added on to this complicated trifle of emotions was that right as all of this was happening, I was also starting something more than just an exchange of emails with a guy from one of the dating sites. The first one to grab my attention and keep it. To make my heart pound. The first one to make me act like a total girl and throw on thirty different outfits before meeting for pizza. He can make me smile from just a text and has me constantly laughing and happy when I’m with him. And I seem to be doing the same things for him (although he’d probably object to being called a girl and I doubt he put on thirty outfits before meeting me at the drive-in last night).

Of course because it’s me, he can’t be a simple guy in my mountains, just doing his thing. No, he’s a Navy man (mmm, that uniform)(also bonus points due to serious pride for my father’s Naval service) who is going through his own share of troubles. An hour and a half away from me. But if he can brighten my heart through the health issues and missing of friends and I can make him laugh despite his situation, then I think this is worth further exploration.

So my life is a roller coaster with some pretty serious dips and turns right now. Good thing I like adventure, right?

How are all of you? Screaming up and down a roller coaster or taking a turn in the tea cups?

It’s Not Always Gumdrops and Glitter

Just to be clear, life is not all peachy and perfect for me. I don’t want to give the impression that Joe and I broke up and the world became right. God, no. I have my moments of deep sadness, even depression. This weekend I almost broke down in the shower because I wasn’t able to control my two huge dogs on a walk as well as I wanted. I was so mad and sad and felt like I was failing in every aspect. But then I realized it was nearly 11 and all I had had to eat was a handful of mini marshmallows. Not exactly the breakfast of the sane and rational.

I get mad at Joe for the choices he made and I get upset when I see all the things I could have done differently. The important part is that when I catch myself doing this, I work really hard to stop. Looking back is important because we need to learn from the past, but you cannot change what has already happened. Concentrating on that leads only to madness.

I AM happier, I AM healthier, and I AM continuing to do what I see as best for myself and my loves. I’m legitimately excited for the future and what I’m going to find there. It’ll be big and it’ll be impressive, because I honestly can’t accept anything less than that. I mean too much to accept less than what I deserve.

The best part is that I’m finally learning that those words are true. They aren’t just something I’m saying to shut up a well meaning friend or family member. I am worth it. I may still get sad or angry or hate the way I look in that shirt, but at least those are becoming the rare moments in my life instead of the normal.

So I’ll forgive myself those brief moments when I want to slam a fist through a wall or want to crawl under the covers and cry. Because they are brief. And they remind me of how far I’ve come and how much more I have to go.

It’s going to be a fun journey! There will probably be fire…

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

Revolutionary Girl is Back!

So a lot has happened since my last post.

The Boyfriend decided that he didn’t want to try and live with me anymore. We were having issues, been feeling more like roommates than anything else, but instead of talking about it, he just quit. I was shocked and upset and hurt, but almost instantly my thought was “It’s his loss.” And it is. I’m a lot of work, but I’m worth it in the end and he didn’t want to stick it out. Some other stuff happened, but it’s not worth going into. We’re sharing custody of our two dogs, but I have them most of the time right now.

I’ve moved out, into a three bedroom INCREDIBLE apartment with my coworker and friend. I’m loving it. The apartment has such great vibes and light and Jessie is so easy to get along with. We’ve been having so much fun together.

My depression is pretty much gone. I don’t expect that to last forever, but it’s a nice break! I will always get sad and angry at times, but my highs right now are wonderful. And they seem to be lasting. A lot of my depression was revolving around my relationship and how I never felt like enough or like I was being a real partner. And we weren’t. We waited too long to really talk and try to work out our problems so this is how it worked out. I’m okay with this. I’m really looking forward to what the future brings me.

I hope The Boyfriend and I can be friends, good friends, because that’s what we’ve always been. But I’m leaving that ball in his court because he doesn’t seem to want to be around me and I’m sure as hell not pushing. I went that route before and a one sided friendship is just awful. So The Boyfriend is now just Joe and we’ll either be friends or just civil when we pass the dogs off to one another.

I followed ChelseaTalksSmack’s idea for Valentine’s Revolution to a certain extent. I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day, single or not, and this year my roommate Jessie and I were both single, so we planned an awesome day! We bought salmon and rice for dinner, a bunch of spa things to treat ourselves with afterwards. We ended up spending a lot of time building a tv stand and putting up a curtain rod, but we still managed to make and decorate two heart shaped cakes, one for us and one for the office, putting on masks, and enjoy The Proposal, which was hilarious! Very sweet, too. It was a wonderful day, and I’m really looking forward to more days like it.

So how are all of you?

Alive!

I am alive. And surprisingly busy. Besides the usual hectic antics at work, I have attended and participated in the wedding of the ever lovely Shaba to her ever lovely Boy. It was amazing and tear jerking and just so beautiful. I hope to write a better post about it soon.

I also attended the baby shower of my beautiful X and her husband. It was wonderful to see her because she’s normally in North Carolina and I’m… I’m way up here in New Hampshire. I love her, though, and she looks amazing pregnant. I even felt the little one kick!

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Oh, and random Pro Tip for all those letter writers out there: If you want someone to start writing to you again, try not sending them a card with a cheerful puppy on the front and nothing but misery and how much of a failure you are on the inside. A little cheerfulness, even forced, can go a looooong way.

It’s the Little Things

It’s interesting how attached we get to little things. My sweet, adorable, darling, giant of a puppy ate my phone Monday night. Okay, so he didn’t swallow anything (I hope) but he certainly destroyed the hell out of it. The front keyboard was ripped out, any thing remotely moveable was permanently removed, the casing was cracked and pulled apart, and there were really deep tooth marks in the rest of it. Miraculously, the phone still turned on and could probably have functioned as a phone… if I wanted to punch numbers with a toothpick and desired the Most Ghetto Phone of All.

He also broke the microSD card. Yeah, the one stuffed INSIDE the phone. Snapped it in half with the power of his monster jaws. I think he’s part Lab, part shark. This means that a good 200 pictures are gone. Forever. Most of them were just silly things, but some were precious. The gray cat in the PA ASPCA shelter I loved at first sight and never saw again. Some photos of Kaylee, my rabbit and Nora, my guinea pig. Fun photos my friends sent me. X’s ultrasound and pregnant belly photos. (Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I can get those again) Tanner the foster dog with his awesome Laser Eyes photo and Peggy the soon to be foster dog giving birth to her soon to be foster puppies.

I have all the memories, so it’s silly to be so upset that they’re gone. The Boyfriend can replace some of them, so there is that. It was just surprising to me how much of a gut punch to realize that all of those were lost.

I’m curious, is there something you’re really attached to that you think is probably trivial in the big picture, but you would grieve if you lost?

Parties and Asskicking, a Favorite Combination

For my birthday (two months away, but who doesn’t like thinking about it?) I want plant things. Pretty pots, lovely, lush green things, bulbs, and most importantly, something to put the plants on. My house has a few rooms with lovely light, but nooooothing to put the plants on. I have a few smaller ones on windowsills, three plants are on a sawhorse (we’re high class… and that room isn’t finished yet) and a couple more are scattered about. So I desperately need some elegant plant holders. Or more sawhorses.

In other party related news, I am the worst bridesmaid. I couldn’t even make it to my lovely Shaba’s shower. And it was an amazing shower, the other bridesmaids really stepped up to the plate. It was Alice in Wonderland themed, can you believe that? I’ve seen the pictures, they did an incredible job and Shaba had a wonderful time. I just wish I could have been there.

It came down to a choice between going to my sister’s big dinner bash (She’s the executive chef of her school’s fanciest, most important dinner) and Shaba’s shower. And honestly, the only reason I can go to Lil Sis’s dinner is because my parents are paying for the seats and The Boyfriend and I are bunking at her apartment. I HATE making choices like that. I also hate not having the money to go to both, but that’s totally my fault and is hopefully making me more aware of what I’m doing.

So, my spring resolution is to not miss any more of my Shaba’s wedded bliss fun and preparations, and to save money so I never have to make a choice like that again.

Oh, and to thank my parents because I don’t have to disappoint TWO of my favorites.

In non-party related news (god, I want cake so badly now) please send a lot of big, kind thoughts the Staten Island way, as my Big Sis is going through a week of isolation in the last stage of kicking the hell out of the thyroid cancer that thought it could try and mess with us. Positive side? No more cancer, and she’s radioactive, therefore making a kickass comic book hero. Negative side? A week of isolation. No boyfriend hugs, no kitten snuggles, no real interaction which is something she thrives on.

So if you’ve got a spare thought, toss it her way with an air hug. She’d definitely appreciate it.

Turning WordPress in Livejournal

I have been in a funk lately, both in life and in writing. I do this sometimes. Shocker, I know. Usually I’m so subtle with my serpentine mood swings that no one can tell. My mother thinks I may have a touch of the wintertime woes. I think I’m lonely and just slightly unhinged.

Either way, I feel there are things missing from my life. A duo or maybe trio of wonderful girlfriends who can spontaneously go shopping or cooking with me. Seriously, this weekend I almost asked a WalMart employee if my ass looked dumpy in these jeans. I didn’t, thank god, but it was close. (Bonus Fun Fact: Never attempt to make yourself feel better by trying on WalMart clothes. You will discover that your thighs look a little bit like baby walruses trapped in denim and cotton.) I also miss having my best guy friends to chill with for an afternoon watching movies or strolling about town.

Please do not get me wrong. The Boyfriend is one of the bestest of best friends and an A+ snuggler, but he has his own life. I refuse to duct tape him to my side just to alleviate my blues. Also, I think he would slit his wrists with his fingernails if I tried to make him give me details about my ass in jeans in a dressing room. And he straight up REFUSES to let me braid his hair. I know, ridiculous. His excuse is that it’s not even an inch long, but all I hear is “blah blah blah, I don’t care about your needs.” Actually, to be honest I don’t hear anything because when ever I ask or try, he just gives me this stare. It’s chilling and clearly states that I am a mere IQ point away from legally retarded.

This general feeling of blah is compounded by the fact that Tim Gunn is not my stylist (and if the Boyfriend hears his name on more time, I think I’m sleeping on the couch) and I feel frumpy. Or hideous, it really depends on the day. Yes, I could work out and save a little money for clothes, but these things don’t make me feel better. Trust me, that whole euphoria thing they talk about when you exercise? Total bullshit. Give me a fucking brownie any day.

I love my job, I love where I live and who I live with. Even when Russia the Puppy gets a little over excited or as we call it “acts like a little bastard”. I just feel kind of stuck. Any suggestions to cheer myself up or give myself something to do? And please don’t suggest cleaning the house because while I dearly wish to (New year, things should be CLEAN and ORGANIZED) that would involve caging the pup and I try to avoid that as much as possible. Then I sit down to unwind a bit and never seem to get up.

OH MY GOD, IT’S A HORRIBLE SPIRAL, FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER ESCAPE. Or something dramatic like that.

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