The Red Threads That Tie Us…

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Archive for the tag “I probably need therapy”

The Anger Sharks are Swimming in My Head.

Le sigh… I was hoping I would be over this, since it happened three days ago, but apparently I have trouble letting go. Not exactly shocking news to anyone who knows me.

I’ve been reading a few articles lately about how telling someone about something that is upsetting you actually doesn’t make you feel better because you hold on to the negative thoughts and feelings instead of just letting them go. Well, I find that when I don’t tell someone when something is bothering me, it builds up in me like something fermenting and rotting until it bursts from the container of me and spills all over the unfortunate soul closest to me. That’s not fun for anyone.

So here’s a Pro Tip for everyone with friends… don’t call your buddy to complain about how what someone said to you really hurt your feelings and was totally out of bounds and then IMMEDIATELY insult your friend that you turned to for comfort!!

I have a friend who is OBSESSED with her husband. He’s the smartest, greatest man that was ever gifted to the earth by God. Never mind the fact that he can’t keep a job. That’s everyone else’s fault. Never mind the fact that he puts her down all the time. That’s just because women are legitimately less intelligent than men. (I get ill thinking about how she believed that at one point.) Never mind all the reasons he’s actually one of the biggest (truly, he’s quite large) stereotypes of white trash out there.

Apparently, the fact that I have a boyfriend who is attractive and cares enough to keep himself in relatively good shape means that he’s a tool. Yes, this friend called to complain that her mother-in-law had absolutely no right to bitch about the state of her house and tell her that she shouldn’t be pregnant and then immediately decided that she’d let me know her illustrious husband has deemed Mike a tool because he’s attractive and works out. Obviously, my friend agrees with her husband and Mike is clearly a tool. Oh, don’t worry, I shouldn’t be offended, her husband was totally a tool back in high school before he hurt his back. Big, giant eye roll on my part.

Arrrrrrgh, this is the dumbest post ever, but I’m still so annoyed. I don’t even know why I’m so offended. I think what made it worse was that five minutes later, she telling me that if I choose to marry this guy, she’s my maid of honor. When I said that I was probably going to make one of my sisters the maid of honor if my life went in that direction, she got made and told me that I had promised her the maid of honor spot. No. Just… no.

I’m sorry, I promise the next post will be better. It’ll probably be Part Two of the story of how Mike and I got together. Or something about how adorable my dogs are. Or an embarrassing story about toilets. I don’t know. Anything would be better.

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A Question of Planning

One of my least favorite interview style questions to be asked is “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I hate that question. I hate any form of that question. I’m not great with decisions and I don’t tend to see things in black and white. I’m gray all the way, baby. So figuring out and actually saying where I will be in five years, six months, or however long is a touch distressing for me. I’ve always replied to that with “I don’t know, I’m not big on lists or plans like that.”
Or so I thought.
Then I started getting closer to twenty five. That’s a baby still to a lot of people out there, but it’s a big deal to me. Not a huge quarter life crisis or anything, but it made me realize that actually… I did have some plans. Annnnd they weren’t really happening. And I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
Here’s the deal. I want to be happily married and have kids. I have never felt any sort of rush or pressure for this sort of thing, I just always knew it was what I wanted. Great, dandy, I have plenty of time, right? Wellllllll, here’s where the plan comes in. I kinda thought I would be in the love of my life relationship at this point. Apparently the back of my mind, where all the plans are, thought I would be planning a wedding right about now. Only… I’m not.
I always thought I would get married, enjoy a few years as a married couple, and then have kids when things felt right. Worked for my parents! It’s a pretty good blue print for a happy life if you do it right. But I wanted to have kids around twenty eight. And I wanted to date my wonderful soul mate for a few years before we got married. You know, work out whatever kinks we could. Then have a few years of married life to work out whatever kinks pop up then. Finally, add kids. You see the issue? Kinda hard to shove all of this into just three years.  Especially since I was single when I started this post. (More on that later)  Doesn’t really work into this plan I didn’t know I had.
I feel stupid admitting all this. My life is pretty good right now. I’m only twenty five (nearly). I have a lot of freedom and time, a lot of paths open to me. But it feels really weird to see what I didn’t know I thought would happen slowly fading away as a possibility. It’s weird to realize I was a secret planner and only figure that out when a plan doesn’t come together.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, feeling a little embarrassed for how silly I sound, and mapping out my next plan. Which may or may not happen. But the journey better be really exciting.

Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

Utterly Random Musing

Do you ever feel so much that you think your body is going
to burst? Have you thought something was so beautiful or so sweet that your
heart hurt… your chest, right where your heart is, actually hurt? I’ve been
feeling that way almost constantly for a little bit. The smallest thing is
taking my breath away, my heart hurt as I drove past the foliage and gorgeous
scenery that makes up my home, and hot, sweet memories are making me bite my
lip and smile. It’s almost uncomfortable feeling this way. Because as full as
it leaves me, I also sense very deeply an emptiness. The slightest thing is
also making me tear up. I am extra sensitive to the time apart from those I
deem important. It’s almost too much to bear.

I feel like I’m going to explode into stardust.

It’s Not Always Gumdrops and Glitter

Just to be clear, life is not all peachy and perfect for me. I don’t want to give the impression that Joe and I broke up and the world became right. God, no. I have my moments of deep sadness, even depression. This weekend I almost broke down in the shower because I wasn’t able to control my two huge dogs on a walk as well as I wanted. I was so mad and sad and felt like I was failing in every aspect. But then I realized it was nearly 11 and all I had had to eat was a handful of mini marshmallows. Not exactly the breakfast of the sane and rational.

I get mad at Joe for the choices he made and I get upset when I see all the things I could have done differently. The important part is that when I catch myself doing this, I work really hard to stop. Looking back is important because we need to learn from the past, but you cannot change what has already happened. Concentrating on that leads only to madness.

I AM happier, I AM healthier, and I AM continuing to do what I see as best for myself and my loves. I’m legitimately excited for the future and what I’m going to find there. It’ll be big and it’ll be impressive, because I honestly can’t accept anything less than that. I mean too much to accept less than what I deserve.

The best part is that I’m finally learning that those words are true. They aren’t just something I’m saying to shut up a well meaning friend or family member. I am worth it. I may still get sad or angry or hate the way I look in that shirt, but at least those are becoming the rare moments in my life instead of the normal.

So I’ll forgive myself those brief moments when I want to slam a fist through a wall or want to crawl under the covers and cry. Because they are brief. And they remind me of how far I’ve come and how much more I have to go.

It’s going to be a fun journey! There will probably be fire…

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

Blockage

I need a haircut. This could be a beautiful metaphor about my life and where I need to take it (snipping off the dead ends and the like) but I’m too lazy to really work it through right now. Also, I legitimately need a hair cut. As in, I rock short hair and haven’t seen Stephanie of the Shears (official title I just gave my hairdresser) since mid-November. Luckily, she’s awesome so my hair is growing out in a fabulous fashion, but…

It’s time.

So what’s the big deal? Just call The Shears and get it done, right? Wrong. I’ve discussed this before, but I am awful at making appointments for anything personal, important, or having to do with changing things. I’m not sure what this mental block is, but it is borderline retarded. It seriously annoys, but since my mind is controlled by a pissy 14 year old girl, I just kind of get in a cat-fight with myself and nothing changes.

It’s not like I’m scared she’s going to do something terrible to my hair… hair is hair to me. It grows. Try something fun and different and if it sucks, give it a week and try something else. Or… keep the same haircut that has worked for roughly the past three years. I hope I try something fun and different, but my hair is incredibly fine and difficult to work with.

It’s not that I’m worried she’s going to ask how Joe and I are doing and I’ll have to awkwardly explain the breakup. He’s already gotten a haircut, I’m sure, and filled her in. So she’ll ask how I’m doing, eyes wary for tears, and I can wave a hand dismissively and smile, telling her how much fun I’m having.

Ugh. So I just have to stop being a jerk and go. Be okay with changes. JUST MAKE THE DAMN PHONE CALL, YA PANSY.

I have the same problem with picking things to decorate the apartment with. Mental block! Can’t choose! Let’s make this go away, shall we?

 

The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

So apparently it’s the all new raging fad to admit that you are insane. Or at least going through some crappy times that make you feel crappy for way long than you think is acceptable. This? Sucks.

The Bloggess, always an inspiration, is calling out for people to talk about their problems. She was inspired by someone who actually made a documentary (a little one, but powerful) about coming out about his mental illness.

Part of me thinks “Awesome! I’m not alone!” But the other part is just sad that soooo many people feel this badly. Seriously? I have tears in my eyes right now. But I’m willing to admit I’m not feeling exactly stable.

I am the biggest hypocrite. I work in the mental health field. I KNOW how important it is to talk, to let people know how you are feeling. That going to therapy can be a good thing! But I’m ashamed to let certain people know I’m talking to someone. Professionally. And I cried telling my person that I was depressed. HOW CAN I FEEL THAT WAY?! I TELL EVERYONE I KNOW WHO IS HAVING ISSUES TO TALK TO SOMEONE! THAT IT’S OKAY TO TAKE THOSE MEDS IF DEEMED NECESSARY! But I’m ashamed.

I’m scared to talk to the people who really matter about how I feel. The Boyfriend? I have no idea how he is living with me right now. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. Maybe I’m making this all up in my head. All I know is I can’t sleep at night because all I think about is how I’m not enough and I’m worthless and I’M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SAD AND ANGRY.

I feel like I’m just spinning around and around. I go through spurts of happy and think “Yaaaay! It’s over!” and then BAM, something happens and my mind is curled up in a ball inside my head, whimpering.

All I know is I need to stop avoiding things I worry will hurt and just fucking confront them.

Dissolving Resolve

This is why I never make New Years Resolutions. Because I am terrible at them and the petulant teenager in me apparently goes “Oh, you think you’re going to do what? Yeah… I don’t think so, bitch.”

That’s my subtle way of saying that I have not really “thought beautifully” for any length of time since my last post. Go me. I understand that I get hormone fluxes that seriously affect my temperament. But this is bullshit.

I am so tired of being negative. It’s like I cannot stop my mind from hating me and everything around me. Yes, I am tired. Yes, money is tight. Yes, I weigh more than I find attractive. These are factors in a bad mood, but it’s no real reason for the near constant barrage of negativity I’ve had slamming into my mind. I can’t turn it off once it starts!!

I have moments where I am happy and laughing, but the moments where I am nearly in tears (or I actually am sobbing, hiding in the bedroom or bathroom) or silently raging are increasing. Again.

I don’t even want to finish this because I’m upset at how ugly it is.

Ugh. I’ll try to be better. But sometimes I wish I was enough just as I am.

Happy Halloween!

The Cutest Pumpkin Ever

Pumpkin Pig!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

You would have been treated to an adorable photo of one of my sweet animals dressed up, but The Boyfriend feels that it would terrify my guinea pig, and destroy the dignity of the rabbits and dogs. Russia would have been the cutest bumble bee ever! So instead, enjoy this stranger pig I discovered. Still cute!

Also? I’d love to know how I went from sneering at the idea of dressing animals to plotting ways to get my guys in costume. Clearly I have been possessed.

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