The Red Threads That Tie Us…

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Archive for the tag “life”

A Question of Planning

One of my least favorite interview style questions to be asked is “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I hate that question. I hate any form of that question. I’m not great with decisions and I don’t tend to see things in black and white. I’m gray all the way, baby. So figuring out and actually saying where I will be in five years, six months, or however long is a touch distressing for me. I’ve always replied to that with “I don’t know, I’m not big on lists or plans like that.”
Or so I thought.
Then I started getting closer to twenty five. That’s a baby still to a lot of people out there, but it’s a big deal to me. Not a huge quarter life crisis or anything, but it made me realize that actually… I did have some plans. Annnnd they weren’t really happening. And I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
Here’s the deal. I want to be happily married and have kids. I have never felt any sort of rush or pressure for this sort of thing, I just always knew it was what I wanted. Great, dandy, I have plenty of time, right? Wellllllll, here’s where the plan comes in. I kinda thought I would be in the love of my life relationship at this point. Apparently the back of my mind, where all the plans are, thought I would be planning a wedding right about now. Only… I’m not.
I always thought I would get married, enjoy a few years as a married couple, and then have kids when things felt right. Worked for my parents! It’s a pretty good blue print for a happy life if you do it right. But I wanted to have kids around twenty eight. And I wanted to date my wonderful soul mate for a few years before we got married. You know, work out whatever kinks we could. Then have a few years of married life to work out whatever kinks pop up then. Finally, add kids. You see the issue? Kinda hard to shove all of this into just three years.  Especially since I was single when I started this post. (More on that later)  Doesn’t really work into this plan I didn’t know I had.
I feel stupid admitting all this. My life is pretty good right now. I’m only twenty five (nearly). I have a lot of freedom and time, a lot of paths open to me. But it feels really weird to see what I didn’t know I thought would happen slowly fading away as a possibility. It’s weird to realize I was a secret planner and only figure that out when a plan doesn’t come together.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, feeling a little embarrassed for how silly I sound, and mapping out my next plan. Which may or may not happen. But the journey better be really exciting.

Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

It’s Not Always Gumdrops and Glitter

Just to be clear, life is not all peachy and perfect for me. I don’t want to give the impression that Joe and I broke up and the world became right. God, no. I have my moments of deep sadness, even depression. This weekend I almost broke down in the shower because I wasn’t able to control my two huge dogs on a walk as well as I wanted. I was so mad and sad and felt like I was failing in every aspect. But then I realized it was nearly 11 and all I had had to eat was a handful of mini marshmallows. Not exactly the breakfast of the sane and rational.

I get mad at Joe for the choices he made and I get upset when I see all the things I could have done differently. The important part is that when I catch myself doing this, I work really hard to stop. Looking back is important because we need to learn from the past, but you cannot change what has already happened. Concentrating on that leads only to madness.

I AM happier, I AM healthier, and I AM continuing to do what I see as best for myself and my loves. I’m legitimately excited for the future and what I’m going to find there. It’ll be big and it’ll be impressive, because I honestly can’t accept anything less than that. I mean too much to accept less than what I deserve.

The best part is that I’m finally learning that those words are true. They aren’t just something I’m saying to shut up a well meaning friend or family member. I am worth it. I may still get sad or angry or hate the way I look in that shirt, but at least those are becoming the rare moments in my life instead of the normal.

So I’ll forgive myself those brief moments when I want to slam a fist through a wall or want to crawl under the covers and cry. Because they are brief. And they remind me of how far I’ve come and how much more I have to go.

It’s going to be a fun journey! There will probably be fire…

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

The One Where I Hate Myself… Again.

So apparently it’s the all new raging fad to admit that you are insane. Or at least going through some crappy times that make you feel crappy for way long than you think is acceptable. This? Sucks.

The Bloggess, always an inspiration, is calling out for people to talk about their problems. She was inspired by someone who actually made a documentary (a little one, but powerful) about coming out about his mental illness.

Part of me thinks “Awesome! I’m not alone!” But the other part is just sad that soooo many people feel this badly. Seriously? I have tears in my eyes right now. But I’m willing to admit I’m not feeling exactly stable.

I am the biggest hypocrite. I work in the mental health field. I KNOW how important it is to talk, to let people know how you are feeling. That going to therapy can be a good thing! But I’m ashamed to let certain people know I’m talking to someone. Professionally. And I cried telling my person that I was depressed. HOW CAN I FEEL THAT WAY?! I TELL EVERYONE I KNOW WHO IS HAVING ISSUES TO TALK TO SOMEONE! THAT IT’S OKAY TO TAKE THOSE MEDS IF DEEMED NECESSARY! But I’m ashamed.

I’m scared to talk to the people who really matter about how I feel. The Boyfriend? I have no idea how he is living with me right now. Maybe he doesn’t even notice. Maybe I’m making this all up in my head. All I know is I can’t sleep at night because all I think about is how I’m not enough and I’m worthless and I’M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SAD AND ANGRY.

I feel like I’m just spinning around and around. I go through spurts of happy and think “Yaaaay! It’s over!” and then BAM, something happens and my mind is curled up in a ball inside my head, whimpering.

All I know is I need to stop avoiding things I worry will hurt and just fucking confront them.

Dissolving Resolve

This is why I never make New Years Resolutions. Because I am terrible at them and the petulant teenager in me apparently goes “Oh, you think you’re going to do what? Yeah… I don’t think so, bitch.”

That’s my subtle way of saying that I have not really “thought beautifully” for any length of time since my last post. Go me. I understand that I get hormone fluxes that seriously affect my temperament. But this is bullshit.

I am so tired of being negative. It’s like I cannot stop my mind from hating me and everything around me. Yes, I am tired. Yes, money is tight. Yes, I weigh more than I find attractive. These are factors in a bad mood, but it’s no real reason for the near constant barrage of negativity I’ve had slamming into my mind. I can’t turn it off once it starts!!

I have moments where I am happy and laughing, but the moments where I am nearly in tears (or I actually am sobbing, hiding in the bedroom or bathroom) or silently raging are increasing. Again.

I don’t even want to finish this because I’m upset at how ugly it is.

Ugh. I’ll try to be better. But sometimes I wish I was enough just as I am.

Slump

I’m in a slump. The title might have given that away. I know, I’m subtle. But every time I try to write here, I get stuck. Nothing seems right. I could talk about my animals, but I figure people are sick of it. I could talk about how I’m feeling, but honestly, I’m either depressed or angry and no one needs to hear about that. I dislike spreading that around more than I do already.

It feels like my life is crazy, but nothing really new is going on. I hate this feeling of dissatisfaction, especially when I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m hoping this vacation I’m taking with my family will go a long way to fixing my slump. We’re spending a week in St. John and I cannot WAIT to get out there. Sadly, The Boyfriend is not going, but that means I don’t have to pay anyone to watch the pets.

I don’t know, what do you guys do to get yourself out of a slump?

Halloween Hobbies

Oh, the joy of October! I have corn stalks by my door, a giant rusty orange mum to greet people as they walk up my porch steps, and a dishwasher.

Okay, that part is kind of embarrassing, but we just haven’t gotten it to the dump yet. We have a shiny new dishwasher inside that makes me all kinds of happy because it wasn’t made the same year I was born and OH YEAH! it actually gets the dishes clean!

However, inside we have decorations from our countdown to Halloween calendar, bowls, gourds, window stickies, silver pumpkins, our beloved owl lantern, and pumpkin lights that throw Jack-O-Lantern faces on the wall. I love it! Pumpkin and cider candles scent our house in the evenings (also great for getting rid of dinner smells).

Sadly, there is one thing missing from the house. My bat lights! Last year I found a string of lights in the shape of bats. Because I’m four at heart, I absolutely adored these lights. I kept them up until nearly Christmas. Now, they are no where to be found. And I can’t find any more at the stores. Cue the heart break.

I love having a place to decorate, even when some of the stuff is a little silly. It’s such a nice feeling. I have even been experiencing urges to rake up leaves in the yard. If my parents knew, they would die of shock. You had to threaten me when I was younger to do yardwork.

Any one having odd urges to do things around your places that your parents had to beg you to do before?

Okay, Now I’m Ready For It

I’m sitting here in a sweater that feels like a large kitten is hugging me, drinking pumpkin flavored coffee. The day is gray and drizzly and I am just the right temperature. I am so ready for this!

Honestly, I was probably two weeks behind everyone I know when it came to fall weather. I hadn’t gone swimming yet, I hadn’t done a lot of my customary summery things. I was holding on pretty hard. Luckily, the weather agreed with me and I managed to pack a lot of summer in right at the end.

Now I’m ready for soups*, boots, cute sweaters, pumpkins, apples, and changing leaves. Oh, and HALLOWEEN!!! One of my favorite of favorite holidays. Always has been. It fills me with glee. Even better? The Boyfriend feels similarly. He’s far less likely to dress up, but this morning he looked at me and said “There aren’t any holidays** between now and Halloween. I think we should start getting things out. Like the pumpkin spice candles!” Then his heart was broken because I informed him that while we did have those candles, they were in the storage room. In the back. Behind everything we stuck up there. Oops.

Oh, and I made a totally kick ass beef and vegetable soup for dinner last night. I made it with all local vegetables annnnd I made the recipe up myself! It was declared a success. Obviously there are some minor changes (like more corn, less potatoes, and a low sodium broth) but I’m pleased.

What are you looking forward to this fall season?

*Let’s be honest… every season is soup season for me. I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees out there. I will probably still eat soup.

**Columbus Day doesn’t count because you don’t decorate for it and I don’t even like it. I call it Leif Erikson Day. Or Explorer Day. Yes, I was totally that annoying kid in your Social Studies clas.

Bunny Battle

So last night I got in a fight with my bunny. Well, not really a fight so much as I got ambushed. Either way, my face lost.

As I was taking her back to her cage after letting her run about the living room, she decided she’d rather not and FLIPPED, leaping from my arms and using my face as a spring board to freedom. So now I’m sporting a very attractive gouge from my forehead to the middle of my left check and two bloody pockmarks under my left eye. Sexy, yes? This will be fun to explain to my clients.

I also have to call the vet because as The Boyfriend was petting her last night, he pulled a giant clump of fur off her back. Now she has a very smooth, nickel sized bald spot when your ruffle her fur. She is acting fine, there are no marks on her, and it’s probably just from the stress of the After Attack Capture, but my paranoia and I will be calling the vet just to make sure I didn’t break my bunny.

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