The Red Threads That Tie Us…

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Archive for the tag “roommates!”

Hanging On for the Ride

It’s hard getting my thoughts in order and then down on the page. I’m so used to being able to write nearly effortlessly that this… disconnect has been very strange for me. Obviously, I don’t write as much as I did and things have been very stressful for the past…. year. But still… I feel I should still write as well and easily as before.

Things have been very black and white lately. 2011 is pulling a Dickens and becoming the best and worst of times. My self-confidence and self-worth have risen to a level I never thought possible. I’ve met some great people and gotten closer to others that I treasure. I find myself a stronger person. However, it’s also been a year of some serious depression and upheavals. Change can be good, but it is always stressful and plans never work out quite the way you saw them originally.

What’s all this vague blah blah blah about? A great example is the end of the July heading into the foreseeable future. My heart was filled to bursting as I traveled back to NEPA to attend the wedding of the Philosopher to his beautiful partner. I got to spend some serious quality time with some of my best friends. Shaba and I have decided this seeing each other once a year for weddings bullshit has to stop. We’re out of mutual friends prepared to make the leap, afterall.

However, the day I arrived, I also got the news I was dreading about the health of a close family member. It is an interesting feeling in the heart to feel incredibly happy and devastated at the same time. Then mix in some fury, since I deal with things well. We won’t even mention the stress from job concerns, since that takes a serious back seat to this.

Another layer added on to this complicated trifle of emotions was that right as all of this was happening, I was also starting something more than just an exchange of emails with a guy from one of the dating sites. The first one to grab my attention and keep it. To make my heart pound. The first one to make me act like a total girl and throw on thirty different outfits before meeting for pizza. He can make me smile from just a text and has me constantly laughing and happy when I’m with him. And I seem to be doing the same things for him (although he’d probably object to being called a girl and I doubt he put on thirty outfits before meeting me at the drive-in last night).

Of course because it’s me, he can’t be a simple guy in my mountains, just doing his thing. No, he’s a Navy man (mmm, that uniform)(also bonus points due to serious pride for my father’s Naval service) who is going through his own share of troubles. An hour and a half away from me. But if he can brighten my heart through the health issues and missing of friends and I can make him laugh despite his situation, then I think this is worth further exploration.

So my life is a roller coaster with some pretty serious dips and turns right now. Good thing I like adventure, right?

How are all of you? Screaming up and down a roller coaster or taking a turn in the tea cups?

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

Revolutionary Girl is Back!

So a lot has happened since my last post.

The Boyfriend decided that he didn’t want to try and live with me anymore. We were having issues, been feeling more like roommates than anything else, but instead of talking about it, he just quit. I was shocked and upset and hurt, but almost instantly my thought was “It’s his loss.” And it is. I’m a lot of work, but I’m worth it in the end and he didn’t want to stick it out. Some other stuff happened, but it’s not worth going into. We’re sharing custody of our two dogs, but I have them most of the time right now.

I’ve moved out, into a three bedroom INCREDIBLE apartment with my coworker and friend. I’m loving it. The apartment has such great vibes and light and Jessie is so easy to get along with. We’ve been having so much fun together.

My depression is pretty much gone. I don’t expect that to last forever, but it’s a nice break! I will always get sad and angry at times, but my highs right now are wonderful. And they seem to be lasting. A lot of my depression was revolving around my relationship and how I never felt like enough or like I was being a real partner. And we weren’t. We waited too long to really talk and try to work out our problems so this is how it worked out. I’m okay with this. I’m really looking forward to what the future brings me.

I hope The Boyfriend and I can be friends, good friends, because that’s what we’ve always been. But I’m leaving that ball in his court because he doesn’t seem to want to be around me and I’m sure as hell not pushing. I went that route before and a one sided friendship is just awful. So The Boyfriend is now just Joe and we’ll either be friends or just civil when we pass the dogs off to one another.

I followed ChelseaTalksSmack’s idea for Valentine’s Revolution to a certain extent. I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day, single or not, and this year my roommate Jessie and I were both single, so we planned an awesome day! We bought salmon and rice for dinner, a bunch of spa things to treat ourselves with afterwards. We ended up spending a lot of time building a tv stand and putting up a curtain rod, but we still managed to make and decorate two heart shaped cakes, one for us and one for the office, putting on masks, and enjoy The Proposal, which was hilarious! Very sweet, too. It was a wonderful day, and I’m really looking forward to more days like it.

So how are all of you?

Alive!

I am alive. And surprisingly busy. Besides the usual hectic antics at work, I have attended and participated in the wedding of the ever lovely Shaba to her ever lovely Boy. It was amazing and tear jerking and just so beautiful. I hope to write a better post about it soon.

I also attended the baby shower of my beautiful X and her husband. It was wonderful to see her because she’s normally in North Carolina and I’m… I’m way up here in New Hampshire. I love her, though, and she looks amazing pregnant. I even felt the little one kick!

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Oh, and random Pro Tip for all those letter writers out there: If you want someone to start writing to you again, try not sending them a card with a cheerful puppy on the front and nothing but misery and how much of a failure you are on the inside. A little cheerfulness, even forced, can go a looooong way.

Letters to the Editor

I totally stole this idea from Shaba. I hope she forgives me. Or at least decides to punch me in person so I can see her. (I kid, if she didn’t punch Bitch/Ghost Roommate, I’m totally safe. Especially since I think she’ll be amused.)

Dear Coworker,

We work with the mentally ill. You know this client very well. You know how sensitive he is and how badly he gets thrown when his schedule is disrupted without notice and without an explanation. Is he a bit of a child about it? Yes, but THAT’S HIS FUCKING ILLNESS!! Do NOT just blow off plans with him and not explain it so that he has to come crying to me because you’re “mean” him and “don’t show respect”.

A Swift Kick in the Balls,

The Frazzled New Girl Who Apparently Knows More Than You

 

Dear Lady in the POS Chevy,

I understand that obviously your life and your business is far more important then my meaningless existence. However… that doesn’t make it okay for you to ride my ass in a 25 zone when I’m already doing 40. I’m already going pretty fucking fast for a twisty road, you bitch. Oh, and when we get to the stop sign, where there’s the fork to make it easier to go right of left DO NOT MAKE LIKE YOU’RE GOING RIGHT TO FUCKING CUT ME OFF BECAUSE I WASN’T GOING FAST ENOUGH, YOU USELESS WASTE OF SPERM AND EGG! You are so fucking lucky I didn’t hit you. Probably because I can actually control my vehicle.

Fuck You,

The Purple Faced Screaming Turtle

 

Dear Other Driver,

I understand that I might have a road rage issue. That was addressed in the above letter. Still, I sort of figured it was basic driving knowledge that when one side of the road is clear, that doesn’t make it a good driving decision to pull out of the parking lot and into the other lane when that lane side has ohhhh… five or six cars in it. Just a thought.

No, I won’t Let You In,

The Still Pissed Crazy Girl

 

Dear Self,

You should probably work on the anger level and response. We’d really like to avoid an aneurism. Oh, and jail. We’d like to avoid that too.

Thanks Bunches,

Me

Hot Pepper Weekend

Hi there, Face here. OH MY GOD, FLASHBACK!! *ahem* Sorry, I can’t always contain myself. I also don’t try very hard. Is Face still doing Nick Jr.? I promise not to judge you if you know. (That’s almost probably a lie)

So this weekend I picked apples, made an amazing apple crisp, made apple sauce and transported two large, homicidal angel fish across two state lines. They were surprisingly docile and everyone is alive and happy. Fun Fact: When transporting larger fish, a bucket and a garbage bag are the tested and approved form of container. I know, your lives are suddenly so enriched by that knowledge. Oh, and you definitely wish you could taste my apple crisp*.

I also got a hair cut yesterday, which is a little short, but hey, hair grows (and I told her to do it, I’m adventurous) and two people have already given me compliments. Whether they were the sincere type versus the “Sweet Jesus, I have to say something nice!” type I will probably never know.

Oh, and I also got two miniature hot pepper plants that are ADORABLE! I will have to take a picture for you, as I found no good links for them.

We’re also into the house now, which is Full of Happy for the most part. There are still Things that need to be Ironed Out, but for the most part it is a place of joy, carpeting, guinea pig hiding, and glowing fish tanks. That last part alone basically guarantees that Shaba will have to think long and hard before visiting me.

Well, now that I’ve bombarded you with information you couldn’t live without, I’ll let you get back to that other thing you were doing. I also promise that there might be something more interesting up later.

*Probably not a euphemism.

Social Studies

So first I got a livejournal. It was high school, everyone did it. Good way to bitch about my little sister and not so subtlety talk about my secret loves. I was so smooth. Really though, my lj had very little of the drama wank everyone talks about.

Then I was going to go to college. I have to find out about who I’ll be living with, right? Find classmates and potential friends, right? So on to Facebook! YAY! That was good times. Still is, when I think about it.

Then I started betraying my beliefs (silly as they may be). I was never going to be part of that sparkle obsessed, crappy music blaring, blinking monstrosity that was MySpace. Fuck that noise. Oh wait… Love has a MySpace and posts quizzes that are fun to read and occasionally contain tidbits about me that make me sigh and smile because GODDAMN AREN’T WE ADORABLE?! Shit, it’s private? Oh, it doesn’t have to blink? I guess I’ll sign up then! Hi, everyone! (I should mention that shortly after I got on there, Love had to start ignoring his… thanks, dear!)

Things mellowed out for awhile. Shaba said I should start a blog and I replied with a well thought response of “meh”. But she started the wheels turning and I started thinking about all the things I would say if I didn’t have to worry about crushing feelings on livejournal or having people up in arms. A blog that I didn’t advertise to all my friends sounded pretty good. It took two weeks to get my name, but whatever.

Then, there was all this news about Twitter. “That’s silly,” I said to myself. “I talk to my friends now and if I really want to, I can go read people’s Twitters.” Then I got bored. And Love joined. And a good portion of college friends were on. And Shaba made hers Friends Only. Fuck, alright. I joined. Actually, it turned out well. I’m loving Twitter. Most of time. When my friends aren’t totally ridiculous and I have the buzzing in my pocket in a meeting (hush, you, silence isn’t for my phone). Twitter is great way to casually stalk them without actually being NEPA. Yes, that is as creepy as it sounds. Hope your shower is warm enough, Sher!

But now I’m thinking of joining Tumblr. Why? Because everyone’s is so pretty! I wanna be pretty! But seriously… how many social media outlets can one girl really use without being ridiculous? Because the next step is Flickr and dammit, I can’t find my camera…

This is the post that makes me look like a bitch. I’m not really arguing that.

Going along with my totally original TMI Thursday post, I thought I’d continue along that vein of innovation and do a confessions post. These are things I’ve wanted to say for years, or minutes and most will probably apply to people who don’t read this and I honestly hope never will. Some might apply to readers. If you’re super paranoid one is about you, ask and I’ll probably tell you. Because I know I’d be paranoid…

Confessions:

~ I don’t want you to be my maid of honor. I don’t even want you in my bridal party. I’m sorry, I actually am. But don’t just assume that you get that place. On that note stop trying to move MY relationship along your timeline. Not everyone wants to be engaged four months into dating. Some do. I really fucking don’t and I hate your condescending tone when you talk about me “one day being married with children” as though I cry every night because it’s been nearly two years and “nothing” has happened. Ever think I don’t want that? Because you never asked.*

~ You are one of the most beautiful people in the world to me and it breaks my heart that you don’t realize it and if I said this to you it might just make your problem worse. I’m sorry.

~ I deal with you because I don’t want to put up with the drama that would come from actually telling you how I feel. I guess that makes me a coward. Or lazy.

~ I really honestly like you a whole lot. Love you even. You are one of my good, close family type friends. Sometimes I just want to punch you in the face. Sorry, I’m violent.

~ Living with you was a surprising type of hell and I wish you nothing good. I wish the people around you luck. But honestly? I’m just not nice enough to continually wish you the best because you don’t deserve it. Occasionally I hope you do well, but that never lasts.

~ You’re boring now.

~ What you did hurts and bothers me so much it’s hard to think about you without getting angry. And it’s kind of irrational because it didn’t even involve me directly.

~ You will always be fascinating to me and I’m so glad we met.

*that got angrier than I meant it. And I do want kids and marriage. Eventually. Emphasis on that. Also this is the confession that got this post started because I want to scream this and know that I probably shouldn’t.

Updated Life

Well… I have officially gradimatated. Which means that at some point I have to update the Boring About Me page. Sadly, I’m nearly fatally lazy so that will probably take awhile.

Along with gradimatating, there have been several other updates in my life. They are as follows:

  • I no longer live in NEPA or That Other State (Also known as the Ocean State). A good portion of my crap is still in the Ocean State including my beloved fish and guinea pig (I MISS YOU!!!) but that will be changing over the weekends.
  • I live in the forest and mountains now. Also known as the NH state. I love it, it makes me happy, calm, and delighted. Usually all at the same time. Good job, new state. Good job.
  • I live with my The Boyfriend now. Yes, I meant to phrase it that way. Enjoy twitching when you read that. That’s right. So now I no longer have to dread the coming of Sunday which meant the tearing away of Snuggles, Loves, Hugs, Interesting Face to Face Conversations, and Hogan’s Heroes. This is amazing and still has not sunk in.
  • We have a house. How cool is that? I kind of copied Shaba there. Or she copied me. Either way, we both have houses and we’re both amazing.
  • We don’t live in the house yet. It needs real floors and some paint. Then we can live inside it.
  • I turned down a job offer because I’m either A) an idiot or B) sane enough to realize that a poorly paying job with bad hours a long and twisty commute away probably would have killed me. So let’s hope I get a positive call from the job I really want!
  • This weekend Drew, The Philosopher, and the delectable Sher came to visit me because they are wonderful, beautiful friends. It was great to see them, show them where I’m going to be and hopefully I didn’t bore them too much.
  • I’m hungry.

Okay, that should do it for now. Hopefully it won’t be so ridculously long before my next update.

Edit: Dear god, I actually stopped being lazy and updated my profile on the same day I said I wanted to! A Christmas Miracle!

After the Break

Well, since my school is very strange, my Spring Break is over just as so many others are starting theirs. I’m not quite sure how they can get away with calling it Spring Break since it started in February. I can’t blame my school for this, but on the first Sunday on break, I looked out across my yard, which was filled with fluffy, fresh, white snow and then looked at my mom and asked “How is it Spring Break when it’s snowing?” She had no answer.

I had a reaaaally good time on break though. Lil’Sis had the same break I did, so that was fun and Wednesday through Friday I went up to Boyfriend’s college and hung out with him. That was a really nice time. It was good to have some alone time together and we got to spend longer than usual together since he followed me down to my house for the weekend since a friend was having a going away party, as he’ll be leaving for the Navy very soon.

We also had Lil’Sis’s fake birthday, as we were (mostly) there and it was close to her real one. TA, my big sister, wasn’t there, but you do what you can. Her fake birthday included a fancy dinner out (I got to wear my gorgeous black dress and I finally had duck!! Delicious) and a concert with Yo Yo Ma and the Silk road Ensemble. They really should have called it The Silk Road Ensemble, P.S. We Have Yo Yo Ma, But He Doesn’t Want to Make a Big Deal About It. It was lovely, just not what we expected. The next day, Lil’Sis’s real fake birthday, we went to the zoo, had cake and presents, and then Boyfriend and I went to our friend’s party. It was a very good time that got me a new show to watch (from the 80s!) and the world’s greatest line from my friend’s rather drunk mother.

Now I’m back in NEPA and we kicked off my return with friends coming over to watch a movie and make brownies (because we totally don’t do this five times a week…) However, the movie was put on hold while I did dramatic readings from a blog. Shaba, The Philisopher, and I had a brief acquaintance with the author as she went to our school, and this blog so perfectly captured her personality it was amazing. And a little nauseating. Did I mention I’m not a nice person? If I think you’re an idiot, a hypocrite, or any number of things, I’m going to make fun of you. And apparently I do it in a way that makes others laugh. Shaba wants me to take paragraphs from this blog and dissect it here like I was last night. We’ll see.

Either way, I’m back and looking forward to what happens next. And for the love of god, if I ever start behaving like that person in her blog, please make fun of me. Please find me and mock me to my face.

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