The Red Threads That Tie Us…

Grab a thread and tug.

Archive for the tag “state of mind”

The Anger Sharks are Swimming in My Head.

Le sigh… I was hoping I would be over this, since it happened three days ago, but apparently I have trouble letting go. Not exactly shocking news to anyone who knows me.

I’ve been reading a few articles lately about how telling someone about something that is upsetting you actually doesn’t make you feel better because you hold on to the negative thoughts and feelings instead of just letting them go. Well, I find that when I don’t tell someone when something is bothering me, it builds up in me like something fermenting and rotting until it bursts from the container of me and spills all over the unfortunate soul closest to me. That’s not fun for anyone.

So here’s a Pro Tip for everyone with friends… don’t call your buddy to complain about how what someone said to you really hurt your feelings and was totally out of bounds and then IMMEDIATELY insult your friend that you turned to for comfort!!

I have a friend who is OBSESSED with her husband. He’s the smartest, greatest man that was ever gifted to the earth by God. Never mind the fact that he can’t keep a job. That’s everyone else’s fault. Never mind the fact that he puts her down all the time. That’s just because women are legitimately less intelligent than men. (I get ill thinking about how she believed that at one point.) Never mind all the reasons he’s actually one of the biggest (truly, he’s quite large) stereotypes of white trash out there.

Apparently, the fact that I have a boyfriend who is attractive and cares enough to keep himself in relatively good shape means that he’s a tool. Yes, this friend called to complain that her mother-in-law had absolutely no right to bitch about the state of her house and tell her that she shouldn’t be pregnant and then immediately decided that she’d let me know her illustrious husband has deemed Mike a tool because he’s attractive and works out. Obviously, my friend agrees with her husband and Mike is clearly a tool. Oh, don’t worry, I shouldn’t be offended, her husband was totally a tool back in high school before he hurt his back. Big, giant eye roll on my part.

Arrrrrrgh, this is the dumbest post ever, but I’m still so annoyed. I don’t even know why I’m so offended. I think what made it worse was that five minutes later, she telling me that if I choose to marry this guy, she’s my maid of honor. When I said that I was probably going to make one of my sisters the maid of honor if my life went in that direction, she got made and told me that I had promised her the maid of honor spot. No. Just… no.

I’m sorry, I promise the next post will be better. It’ll probably be Part Two of the story of how Mike and I got together. Or something about how adorable my dogs are. Or an embarrassing story about toilets. I don’t know. Anything would be better.

Advertisements

A Question of Planning

One of my least favorite interview style questions to be asked is “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I hate that question. I hate any form of that question. I’m not great with decisions and I don’t tend to see things in black and white. I’m gray all the way, baby. So figuring out and actually saying where I will be in five years, six months, or however long is a touch distressing for me. I’ve always replied to that with “I don’t know, I’m not big on lists or plans like that.”
Or so I thought.
Then I started getting closer to twenty five. That’s a baby still to a lot of people out there, but it’s a big deal to me. Not a huge quarter life crisis or anything, but it made me realize that actually… I did have some plans. Annnnd they weren’t really happening. And I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
Here’s the deal. I want to be happily married and have kids. I have never felt any sort of rush or pressure for this sort of thing, I just always knew it was what I wanted. Great, dandy, I have plenty of time, right? Wellllllll, here’s where the plan comes in. I kinda thought I would be in the love of my life relationship at this point. Apparently the back of my mind, where all the plans are, thought I would be planning a wedding right about now. Only… I’m not.
I always thought I would get married, enjoy a few years as a married couple, and then have kids when things felt right. Worked for my parents! It’s a pretty good blue print for a happy life if you do it right. But I wanted to have kids around twenty eight. And I wanted to date my wonderful soul mate for a few years before we got married. You know, work out whatever kinks we could. Then have a few years of married life to work out whatever kinks pop up then. Finally, add kids. You see the issue? Kinda hard to shove all of this into just three years.  Especially since I was single when I started this post. (More on that later)  Doesn’t really work into this plan I didn’t know I had.
I feel stupid admitting all this. My life is pretty good right now. I’m only twenty five (nearly). I have a lot of freedom and time, a lot of paths open to me. But it feels really weird to see what I didn’t know I thought would happen slowly fading away as a possibility. It’s weird to realize I was a secret planner and only figure that out when a plan doesn’t come together.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, feeling a little embarrassed for how silly I sound, and mapping out my next plan. Which may or may not happen. But the journey better be really exciting.

Things I Am No Longer Going to Apologize For:

  • The random little songs I sing to myself and the people/animals around me. They make me happy and they’re so ridiculous, you should probably be laughing too.
  • That farts still make me laugh. It might make me a ten year old boy, but it’s a funny noise and it’s not supposed to happen, so I’m probably going to crack up. There is obviously a time and a place for this.
  • That I am paranoid as fuck* about certain things
  • *That I have a mouth like a sailor. (Again, I know there is a time and a place for this and in front of a kid is not it)
  • That I am a diehard romantic. I am always going to root for a good love story.
  • That I will always be willing to forgive someone more than my friends think I should. Has it caused me pain in the past? Oh lord, absolutely… but it’s who I am and I’m tired for apologizing for being me.
  • That I love nail polish. Don’t like the fact I have over 50 bottles and will get more? That’s so sad for you, I’m going to admire my pretty, pretty nails while you bitch about it.
  • That I want to be a tom boy, Goth princess, punk, badass fighter, and elegant woman all rolled into one. It’s why I joke I need 8 weddings, I’ll never be able to decide what style to go with.
  • Enjoying my men with excellent muscle structure. Call me primitive or shallow or whatever you like, I love a ripped guy. Obviously personality trumps all (just look at some of my crushes) but I’m not going to feel bad for lusting after a sexy body.
  • Being completely ridiculous. Love me and all my quirks, or get the hell out of my life.

Just a little something I had to get off my chest and put out to remind myself that I don’t need to be sorry for being me.

Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

Utterly Random Musing

Do you ever feel so much that you think your body is going
to burst? Have you thought something was so beautiful or so sweet that your
heart hurt… your chest, right where your heart is, actually hurt? I’ve been
feeling that way almost constantly for a little bit. The smallest thing is
taking my breath away, my heart hurt as I drove past the foliage and gorgeous
scenery that makes up my home, and hot, sweet memories are making me bite my
lip and smile. It’s almost uncomfortable feeling this way. Because as full as
it leaves me, I also sense very deeply an emptiness. The slightest thing is
also making me tear up. I am extra sensitive to the time apart from those I
deem important. It’s almost too much to bear.

I feel like I’m going to explode into stardust.

Burst the Bubble

Would you rather know the details of something that was
awful and had the potential to deeply disturb you and stay with you or would
you rather be blissfully unaware?

I ask this because often I will learn of something that is
so awful I feel I have to share, but I know most people don’t want to hear
about it. Part of me can’t blame them. I’m the kind of person who has scenes
and phrases that will replay in my mind for years and years. It’s not nice to
have that kind of thing in your head. It’s not comfortable.

Joe used to ask why I would look at articles of animal abuse
or get involved in trying to save animals on the euthsinia list if it made me
cry. He couldn’t understand why anyone would continue to do something that
clearly upset them.

But if everyone looks away, ignores what is happening, then
who steps up? Who says “This isn’t right, there has to be another way. There
has to be a way to stop this from happening.”? I understand the idea of staying
in that comfortable bubble. I get why people want to leave things alone.

But I can’t always be that person. What do you do? It’s okay
to be in that bubble… you have to be able to work on yourself before you work
on the world. I’m just curious how people see themselves.

Hanging On for the Ride

It’s hard getting my thoughts in order and then down on the page. I’m so used to being able to write nearly effortlessly that this… disconnect has been very strange for me. Obviously, I don’t write as much as I did and things have been very stressful for the past…. year. But still… I feel I should still write as well and easily as before.

Things have been very black and white lately. 2011 is pulling a Dickens and becoming the best and worst of times. My self-confidence and self-worth have risen to a level I never thought possible. I’ve met some great people and gotten closer to others that I treasure. I find myself a stronger person. However, it’s also been a year of some serious depression and upheavals. Change can be good, but it is always stressful and plans never work out quite the way you saw them originally.

What’s all this vague blah blah blah about? A great example is the end of the July heading into the foreseeable future. My heart was filled to bursting as I traveled back to NEPA to attend the wedding of the Philosopher to his beautiful partner. I got to spend some serious quality time with some of my best friends. Shaba and I have decided this seeing each other once a year for weddings bullshit has to stop. We’re out of mutual friends prepared to make the leap, afterall.

However, the day I arrived, I also got the news I was dreading about the health of a close family member. It is an interesting feeling in the heart to feel incredibly happy and devastated at the same time. Then mix in some fury, since I deal with things well. We won’t even mention the stress from job concerns, since that takes a serious back seat to this.

Another layer added on to this complicated trifle of emotions was that right as all of this was happening, I was also starting something more than just an exchange of emails with a guy from one of the dating sites. The first one to grab my attention and keep it. To make my heart pound. The first one to make me act like a total girl and throw on thirty different outfits before meeting for pizza. He can make me smile from just a text and has me constantly laughing and happy when I’m with him. And I seem to be doing the same things for him (although he’d probably object to being called a girl and I doubt he put on thirty outfits before meeting me at the drive-in last night).

Of course because it’s me, he can’t be a simple guy in my mountains, just doing his thing. No, he’s a Navy man (mmm, that uniform)(also bonus points due to serious pride for my father’s Naval service) who is going through his own share of troubles. An hour and a half away from me. But if he can brighten my heart through the health issues and missing of friends and I can make him laugh despite his situation, then I think this is worth further exploration.

So my life is a roller coaster with some pretty serious dips and turns right now. Good thing I like adventure, right?

How are all of you? Screaming up and down a roller coaster or taking a turn in the tea cups?

Breakthrough.

Today was kind of a big day for me. In a very small way, but it still made me proud.

Those who have dealt with me on a personal level for awhile probably know that while I’m loud and silly and willing to dance like a lunatic or yell out the window at a friend’s crush, I am also painfully shy. Shy to the point where I will just stop. Stop walking, stop talking, and occasionally stop breathing. It’s almost as if my mind shuts down on me.

It makes me sad that for all my effort to improve my confidence (which is actually working ridiculously well, with some noticeable exceptions) I can still have these moments of debilitating shyness. ESPECIALLY when faced with someone I like. This can be true of an attractive guy or even just someone I’d like to be friends with, but am unsure of their reaction to me.

I literally turned and walked away a few weeks ago when my roommate and I were joking around and a guy I thought was pretty cute walked past and Jessie nudged me towards him. I didn’t ask for the name of guy who tracked me across a crowded concert floor to talk to me, I just let myself be led away when my friend decided to leave. (Oh, do I regret that…) Words dried up in my throat when a neighborhood man who walks his dogs and looks like he might be a nice person to know smiled at me and made a small attempt at conversation. I was disappointed in myself and felt like my new-found confidence was just a sham.

But today was kind of a breakthrough. I went on a walk at lunch and saw the dog walker. He smiled at me and I smiled back. My steps continued to take me forward and he looked a little disappointed. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I stopped and asked “Hey, what kind of dogs are those? They’re gorgeous.” It wasn’t much, but it got me a nice five minute conversation with someone new that seemed to like animals as much as me. He even took the initiative to introduce himself when I said that I didn’t want to hold up his walk further. He clearly enjoyed the conversation, which made me really happy that I had finally said something.

I took it a step further a little later that afternoon. I replied to someone “famous” on Twitter, which sounds so silly, but it was something I had been too shy to do before. “Oh, they won’t notice. My comment doesn’t really mean that much. I should just be silent.” Well, my comment might be only one of fifty, but it still means something.

Little steps that may not seem like much to you, but being able to do these things give me a lift for the rest of the day. I hope I remember this feeling the next time I look down after smiling at someone.

Blockage

I need a haircut. This could be a beautiful metaphor about my life and where I need to take it (snipping off the dead ends and the like) but I’m too lazy to really work it through right now. Also, I legitimately need a hair cut. As in, I rock short hair and haven’t seen Stephanie of the Shears (official title I just gave my hairdresser) since mid-November. Luckily, she’s awesome so my hair is growing out in a fabulous fashion, but…

It’s time.

So what’s the big deal? Just call The Shears and get it done, right? Wrong. I’ve discussed this before, but I am awful at making appointments for anything personal, important, or having to do with changing things. I’m not sure what this mental block is, but it is borderline retarded. It seriously annoys, but since my mind is controlled by a pissy 14 year old girl, I just kind of get in a cat-fight with myself and nothing changes.

It’s not like I’m scared she’s going to do something terrible to my hair… hair is hair to me. It grows. Try something fun and different and if it sucks, give it a week and try something else. Or… keep the same haircut that has worked for roughly the past three years. I hope I try something fun and different, but my hair is incredibly fine and difficult to work with.

It’s not that I’m worried she’s going to ask how Joe and I are doing and I’ll have to awkwardly explain the breakup. He’s already gotten a haircut, I’m sure, and filled her in. So she’ll ask how I’m doing, eyes wary for tears, and I can wave a hand dismissively and smile, telling her how much fun I’m having.

Ugh. So I just have to stop being a jerk and go. Be okay with changes. JUST MAKE THE DAMN PHONE CALL, YA PANSY.

I have the same problem with picking things to decorate the apartment with. Mental block! Can’t choose! Let’s make this go away, shall we?

 

Revolutionary Girl is Back!

So a lot has happened since my last post.

The Boyfriend decided that he didn’t want to try and live with me anymore. We were having issues, been feeling more like roommates than anything else, but instead of talking about it, he just quit. I was shocked and upset and hurt, but almost instantly my thought was “It’s his loss.” And it is. I’m a lot of work, but I’m worth it in the end and he didn’t want to stick it out. Some other stuff happened, but it’s not worth going into. We’re sharing custody of our two dogs, but I have them most of the time right now.

I’ve moved out, into a three bedroom INCREDIBLE apartment with my coworker and friend. I’m loving it. The apartment has such great vibes and light and Jessie is so easy to get along with. We’ve been having so much fun together.

My depression is pretty much gone. I don’t expect that to last forever, but it’s a nice break! I will always get sad and angry at times, but my highs right now are wonderful. And they seem to be lasting. A lot of my depression was revolving around my relationship and how I never felt like enough or like I was being a real partner. And we weren’t. We waited too long to really talk and try to work out our problems so this is how it worked out. I’m okay with this. I’m really looking forward to what the future brings me.

I hope The Boyfriend and I can be friends, good friends, because that’s what we’ve always been. But I’m leaving that ball in his court because he doesn’t seem to want to be around me and I’m sure as hell not pushing. I went that route before and a one sided friendship is just awful. So The Boyfriend is now just Joe and we’ll either be friends or just civil when we pass the dogs off to one another.

I followed ChelseaTalksSmack’s idea for Valentine’s Revolution to a certain extent. I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day, single or not, and this year my roommate Jessie and I were both single, so we planned an awesome day! We bought salmon and rice for dinner, a bunch of spa things to treat ourselves with afterwards. We ended up spending a lot of time building a tv stand and putting up a curtain rod, but we still managed to make and decorate two heart shaped cakes, one for us and one for the office, putting on masks, and enjoy The Proposal, which was hilarious! Very sweet, too. It was a wonderful day, and I’m really looking forward to more days like it.

So how are all of you?

Post Navigation