The Anger Sharks are Swimming in My Head.

Le sigh… I was hoping I would be over this, since it happened three days ago, but apparently I have trouble letting go. Not exactly shocking news to anyone who knows me.

I’ve been reading a few articles lately about how telling someone about something that is upsetting you actually doesn’t make you feel better because you hold on to the negative thoughts and feelings instead of just letting them go. Well, I find that when I don’t tell someone when something is bothering me, it builds up in me like something fermenting and rotting until it bursts from the container of me and spills all over the unfortunate soul closest to me. That’s not fun for anyone.

So here’s a Pro Tip for everyone with friends… don’t call your buddy to complain about how what someone said to you really hurt your feelings and was totally out of bounds and then IMMEDIATELY insult your friend that you turned to for comfort!!

I have a friend who is OBSESSED with her husband. He’s the smartest, greatest man that was ever gifted to the earth by God. Never mind the fact that he can’t keep a job. That’s everyone else’s fault. Never mind the fact that he puts her down all the time. That’s just because women are legitimately less intelligent than men. (I get ill thinking about how she believed that at one point.) Never mind all the reasons he’s actually one of the biggest (truly, he’s quite large) stereotypes of white trash out there.

Apparently, the fact that I have a boyfriend who is attractive and cares enough to keep himself in relatively good shape means that he’s a tool. Yes, this friend called to complain that her mother-in-law had absolutely no right to bitch about the state of her house and tell her that she shouldn’t be pregnant and then immediately decided that she’d let me know her illustrious husband has deemed Mike a tool because he’s attractive and works out. Obviously, my friend agrees with her husband and Mike is clearly a tool. Oh, don’t worry, I shouldn’t be offended, her husband was totally a tool back in high school before he hurt his back. Big, giant eye roll on my part.

Arrrrrrgh, this is the dumbest post ever, but I’m still so annoyed. I don’t even know why I’m so offended. I think what made it worse was that five minutes later, she telling me that if I choose to marry this guy, she’s my maid of honor. When I said that I was probably going to make one of my sisters the maid of honor if my life went in that direction, she got made and told me that I had promised her the maid of honor spot. No. Just… no.

I’m sorry, I promise the next post will be better. It’ll probably be Part Two of the story of how Mike and I got together. Or something about how adorable my dogs are. Or an embarrassing story about toilets. I don’t know. Anything would be better.

Oh, Hello Again

So I am wildly, stupidly, embarrassingly in love.

Except it doesn’t feel stupid. And I’m not embarrassed by it.

I wrote about how I felt about turning 25 and how that plan I didn’t know I had was crumbling before me. I thought about all of my options in front of me. I looked at new places to move and thought about getting back into the criminal part of my degree instead of the mental health part. I decided I’d check those online dating profiles again, but I expected to be disappointed.

And I was. For the most part.

I was talking to several men and just enjoying the flirt as I planned to move or do something different, finally. Perhaps I’d go to Georgia. Atlanta is a very dog friendly city. It would be fun to try something new. A few guys asked to meet and I always found an excuse not to. Even when they got very persistent. It just didn’t feel right.

I kept messaging several guys, but one started to stand out. He shouldn’t have… he seemed to be a lot of what I didn’t normally like. He had a shirtless picture, showing off some (fairly impressive) muscle and while I’m a giant fan of muscle, most of the guys who post ab shots turn out to be self-obsessed jerks. He invited me to come join a poker game he was having with some friends… I’m not a huge fan of gambling. He was incredibly attractive, which has been a sign of a player in my experience on dating sites.  And he lived an hour away. I should not have been as interested. I didn’t think he should be interested in me.

Then he called me. The sparks were instantaneous. I was cracking up, having the best time talking to this stranger who didn’t feel like a stranger. He made me laugh, and blush, and I felt like I could really talk to him. I hate talking on the phone! But I didn’t want to stop talking to him. He wanted me to meet him for dinner the next night, but I didn’t have the gas money or dinner money. He offered to pay for both, but there was no way I was going to let some stranger do that. What if we bored each other? I didn’t want him to pay that much for an evening he didn’t enjoy. What if he did turn out to be a creep and expected me to have sex with him for the money? Finally we agreed to meet the next week, after I had been paid. We talked a little more and hung up. I couldn’t stop smiling. Jessie commented on how happy I looked.

It wasn’t ten minutes later that this guy was calling me back. “I can’t do this… I can’t wait a week to see someone who has made me laugh this much,” he said. “Let me pay for dinner and your gas and if it works out, you can pay for a movie next week… if it doesn’t, you got a nice dinner and I really don’t mind about the money.”

Normally, I never would have agreed. I’m far more cautious and I just don’t operate that way. But nothing with this guy was going to be normal, as I was discovering. I didn’t want to wait a week to see him either. We agreed to meet the next night and then spent another hour on the phone.

The next night was a fluttering of nerves and excitement. We had the standard awkward greeting in the parking lot where we didn’t know if we should hug or shake hands. (I still get ribbed about that) Dinner was delicious and a lot of fun. He didn’t even mind that my ex’s aunt, who was apparently a waitress there, came over to hug me and tell me how much she missed me. We laughed about how they gave out the bread in brown bags. Dinner ended, but we didn’t want the evening to end with it. No coffee shop was open, so we ended up sitting in the parking lot of a gas station with their coffee until 1130 at night. We finally parted, agreeing that we had to meet up again and soon. He asked what I was doing tomorrow. I laughed, thinking he was joking, but hoping he wasn’t. “Nothing that I know of,” I replied and he smiled. We drove away in opposite directions and it wasn’t even two minutes before one of us was calling the other. We didn’t get off the phone until nearly two that morning.

I saw him again the next night. And the next. And the next.

It was the start of something really amazing.

A Question of Planning

One of my least favorite interview style questions to be asked is “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I hate that question. I hate any form of that question. I’m not great with decisions and I don’t tend to see things in black and white. I’m gray all the way, baby. So figuring out and actually saying where I will be in five years, six months, or however long is a touch distressing for me. I’ve always replied to that with “I don’t know, I’m not big on lists or plans like that.”
Or so I thought.
Then I started getting closer to twenty five. That’s a baby still to a lot of people out there, but it’s a big deal to me. Not a huge quarter life crisis or anything, but it made me realize that actually… I did have some plans. Annnnd they weren’t really happening. And I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
Here’s the deal. I want to be happily married and have kids. I have never felt any sort of rush or pressure for this sort of thing, I just always knew it was what I wanted. Great, dandy, I have plenty of time, right? Wellllllll, here’s where the plan comes in. I kinda thought I would be in the love of my life relationship at this point. Apparently the back of my mind, where all the plans are, thought I would be planning a wedding right about now. Only… I’m not.
I always thought I would get married, enjoy a few years as a married couple, and then have kids when things felt right. Worked for my parents! It’s a pretty good blue print for a happy life if you do it right. But I wanted to have kids around twenty eight. And I wanted to date my wonderful soul mate for a few years before we got married. You know, work out whatever kinks we could. Then have a few years of married life to work out whatever kinks pop up then. Finally, add kids. You see the issue? Kinda hard to shove all of this into just three years.  Especially since I was single when I started this post. (More on that later)  Doesn’t really work into this plan I didn’t know I had.
I feel stupid admitting all this. My life is pretty good right now. I’m only twenty five (nearly). I have a lot of freedom and time, a lot of paths open to me. But it feels really weird to see what I didn’t know I thought would happen slowly fading away as a possibility. It’s weird to realize I was a secret planner and only figure that out when a plan doesn’t come together.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, feeling a little embarrassed for how silly I sound, and mapping out my next plan. Which may or may not happen. But the journey better be really exciting.

Things I Am No Longer Going to Apologize For:

• The random little songs I sing to myself and the people/animals around me. They make me happy and they’re so ridiculous, you should probably be laughing too.

• That farts still make me laugh. It might make me a ten year old boy, but it’s a funny noise and it’s not supposed to happen, so I’m probably going to crack up. There is obviously a time and a place for this.

• That I am paranoid as fuck* about certain things

• *That I have a mouth like a sailor. (Again, I know there is a time and a place for this and in front of a kid is not it)

• That I am a diehard romantic. I am always going to root for a good love story.

• That I will always be willing to forgive someone more than my friends think I should. Has it caused me pain in the past? Oh lord, absolutely… but it’s who I am and I’m tired for apologizing for being me.

• That I love nail polish. Don’t like the fact I have over 50 bottles and will get more? That’s so sad for you, I’m going to admire my pretty, pretty nails while you bitch about it.

• That I want to be a tom boy, Goth princess, punk, badass fighter, and elegant woman all rolled into one. It’s why I joke I need 8 weddings, I’ll never be able to decide what style to go with.

• Enjoying my men with excellent muscle structure. Call me primitive or shallow or whatever you like, I love a ripped guy. Obviously personality trumps all (just look at some of my crushes) but I’m not going to feel bad for lusting after a sexy body.

• Being completely ridiculous. Love me and all my quirks, or get the hell out of my life.

Just a little something I had to get off my chest and put out to remind myself that I don’t need to be sorry for being me.

11 Things…

I got this from Adria nearly a month ago. I’m not good at these things…

Rules:
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each per­son must post 11 things about them­selves on their blog.
3. Answer the ques­tions the tag­ger set for you in their post, and cre­ate 11 new questions for the peo­ple you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 peo­ple to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tag­ging sec­tion about ‘you are tagged if you are read­ing this.’ You legit­i­mately have to tag 11 people.

11 things about me:
1. I was born on the cusp of the Taurus/Gemini switch. It’s interesting how well my personality falls into both of these signs.
2.  I am completely and utterly terrified of aliens. There is nothing reasonable or logical about my level of fear. Yet I will watch almost anything with aliens in it.
3.  I read almost nothing but romance novels. Paranormal, suspense, historical – it has to have a plot, good characters, and something to keep the story flowing. I tend to get bored with straight up, nothing else happening romances. But yeah, those books most people mock. Due to this, my friends and family are concerned that I have a skewed idea of what romance is.
4. I have very vivid day dreams and it’s hard to snap out of them sometimes.
5.  I have an incredibly hard time coming up with “facts about me!” or “things you like about yourself!” despite the fact that people always tell me I’m very interesting.
6. I believe in soul mates, but I don’t necessarily believe that there is only one love in this lifetime for everyone.
7. I love writing and have a ton of ideas and characters bouncing around in my head, but to the everlasting frustration of friends and family, I almost never finish a story.
8.  I love hearing about people. People I know, people I don’t. I’ll make up histories for people I see on the street sometimes. I’m incredibly nosy and always want to know who you’re talking about and why. I just love hearing about it!
9. It takes a lot for me to think a movie was “bad”. I may not enjoy it because it’s not my style, but I won’t label it as bad unless it makes B movies look Oscar worthy. Or it has really terrible dialogue.
10.  I wish I could draw. Or at least at even a touch of talent. I have so many ideas and faces in my head and I wish I could bring them out on paper, but I just… can’t. Sad face.
11.  I will be able to speak up for another person or animal (especially an animal) in trouble or danger in an instant. But I have a much harder time finding my voice for myself. I’m working on changing that though!

Adria’s questions:
1. What is your favorite Christmas song and why?

“White Christmas” because I love the voices and we watch the movie almost every year. It’s so corny, but sweet. Also, I love when it snows on Christmas, so that helps. (She sent me this before Christmas so this question isn’t completely random. I’m just terrible at doing… anything on time.)

2. Who do you know in person that you look up to the most?

This is very hard because I know a lot of really wonderful people. My circles of friends contain some of the strongest individuals I can imagine, with such wonderful personalities. My older sister and parents have been through so much, but still continue to find joy in the little things and have normal lives. I’m very lucky in the people I know.

3. If you have kids, did you plan for them? If you don’t, do you want kids?

I want kids very badly. I have always just known I was going to be a mother. Granted, I will be waiting for quite a bit longer because certain things have to be accomplished before I plan on having them. Ya know, marriage, some semblance of financial security. I know, everyone share a hearty laugh at the foolish 24 year old now.

4. What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

That’s pretty tough because I have a very vivid imagination and it translates into my dreams. Maybe the giant snake chasing me through the house, the cat with the poisonous claw that could only be killed if it went through three layers of clothing (it killed you by stabbing you in the butt, so I wore two layers of underwear for a week or so after), or maybe the dream where I was handcuffed to this man and we had to find our way through the museum. To this day, that is one of the sexiest and most romantic dreams I’ve ever had. Which did not reassure my mother regarding Fun Fact #3, since I found it necessary to mention it to her.

5. If a movie was written about your life, who would you want as the director?

I don’t really know directors that well, so I’m not sure. I think Hayao Miyazaki would do a good job capturing the fantastical aspects of my mind without letting the realism of my life vanish.

6. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a horse, the pope, a knight, a horse breeder, a writer, and a forensic profiler.

7. What is your favorite store?

This is really sad, but Four Your Paws Only is just so fantastic to all the animals that I just love that store and the staff in it. Otherwise, I don’t really have a favorite store for myself. It depends on my mood.

8. If you could tell your 16 year old self one thing, what would it be?

Don’t be so scared. You are worth being confident about. And yes, that friend you think is an idiot will completely prove you right. Oh, and relax about the hugging thing. You freeze up about it in college and really, really miss being able to hug your friends. I could go on.

9. What are your long term goals – say, five years from now?

I was asked this recently and I hate this question. I don’t do well with “goals”. I don’t really make them. I’m not great with lists either, although I’m working on that. In five years I’d like to be sure that I’ve found my life partner, soul mate, whatever you want to call it. I wouldn’t mind being married. Maybe have a kid on the way. I’d like to continue to be involved in animal rescue, maybe be instrumental to it. I’d like to own where I live and love it. I’d like a vegetable garden. I want to love and be loved. That’s my big life goal.

10. Is there any movie or song that makes you cry?

There are a few of both, but I can’t for the life of me think of the names. I will cry when a romance ends badly (I mean really badly), when a child dies on a parent, when certain favorite characters die in touching manners. I snot-nosed cried when Doby died. Not ashamed of that. I have trouble watching sweet and innocent things killed or badly hurt. I’m also not ashamed to admit that one of the hardest tv shows I’ve watched was the episode of CSI: Miami where the only witness was a mentally retarded man and they hurt him so badly before killing him. Depending on my emotional state, watching soldiers come home or hearing families wish for them to come home will make me cry. It used to be very hard to make me cry, but since I started birth control, holy pickles… I cry a bunch. Kind of annoying.

11. Why do you get out of bed in the morning?

Because the dogs need me to. Because I want to see what’s coming next.

My Questions:

1.       If you didn’t have to worry about money or “responsibilities”, what would you do?
2.       If you could change anything in your life, would you?
3.       What was your favorite game as a kid (and do you still play)?
4.       What can’t you live without?
5.       What is your most irrational fear?
6.       If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? No, seriously.
7.       What is a place you have always wanted to visit? Or what is a place you can go back to again and again?
8.       Do you have a guilty pleasure? What is it?
9.       If you could learn a language, what would it be and why?
10.   Do you have a signature piece of jewelry or clothing you wear constantly, or at least have as a go-to?
11.   What is your idea of the perfect living situation? A mansion, a hobbit hole, a tent in a field?

So here is where I’m supposed to link to the 11 people I want to tag to do this… but for some reason I can’t get the links to work. So, I’d like to tag Shaba, MFA Mama, Adria, Nicole, Eleni from Hopes Dies Last, Chelsea, Kaply, and Jess from Alone… with cats and just hope that they read this and know. Even though half those names don’t reallllly know I exist, haha.

Plants Plants Plants Plants

I have an obsession with plants. I’ve mentioned it a few times and it even has its own little blog tag. Awww, adorable. I characterize it as an obsession because I am constantly dramatic in my speech and because I find myself purchasing new plants or repotting current plants as a way to boost my mood. That and it’s very hard for me to pass by the Garden section of any store I’m in without trying to rationalize a purchase.

You would expect, then, that my apartment would be filled to the point of looking like a greenhouse or an episode of Hoarders. It doesn’t. My roommate may not completely agree, but every plant has a place and there isn’t a lot of crowding. Sure, it gets a little tight when cold weather dictates that I bring in my outside plants, but I’ve stuck those in the Fuzzies’ room where my roommate doesn’t have to trip over them. And it was a struggle to find new places when we decided to use a plant stand to hold up our cute little Christmas tree.

This is on my mind currently because I’ve moved to a different office and I now have a little more room. Instantly my mind was trying to decide between plants and a fish tank. I’m going with plants because, hey, let’s face it… I need another fish tank to take care of like I need another hang nail. I have plenty (of both currently) and it hurts when I don’t take proper care of them. (Hah, a complete metaphor, go me!)

I think plants make a room come alive and they can make such a lovely impression. I love all the different kinds and finding the perfect spot and perfect pot pleases me so much. When I have to repot them it’s a moment of triumph for me because I did such a good job taking care of the little guy, he’s grown enough to need a bigger space.

So basically, this post is just an excuse for me to talk about plants before I go out and buy that nifty tropical with the pink leaves to put in that corner riiiiight over there. Perfect. File this post under WTF: Random.

Fairly Unreasonable Violence Below

So as I just told MFAMama, I want to roundhouse kick this
week in the face. Actually, this month. And that hurts my feelings because I LOVE
October. It’s one of my favorite months because so many fun things happen in
it! So while I still love October in a creepy, pre-teen-towards-a boy-band kinda
way (lots of squealing, jumping, sighing, fantasizing, and inappropriate
clothing), I want to kick this month in the taco currently. Although typing
that just made me giggle.

Nothing BAD has happened to me. Classic money stress, of
course. Exploded tire revealing that actually I got lied to by my idiot ex’s
idiot “friend” about said tires and all FOUR needed to be replaced. E coli
poisoning (so much blood…). Disappointment in not being able to see Navy as
frequently as I would like.  Bad things
keep happening to my friends. Massive rage/disappointment/sick to my stomach
feeling regarding something involving children and mental illness and custody
and I’ll shut up now.

… okay, so maybe some bad stuff has happened. I retract that
other statement. BUT I am surviving all that shit. And good stuff has happened.
I AM at least seeing Navy. He could be deployed, like my beautiful Adria’s
husband. He seems to want to continue seeing me. My sick family member is the
best kind of sick for what they’re sick for. And they’re getting better.
Annnnnd… I haven’t stabbed anyone. There. Good stuff.

But, Christ, I am so moody it annoys me. I hate everyone and
then I feel sad because I don’t really, I just feel crappy and want most of the
people I’m forced to interact with to stop being stupid. Or annoying. Either
one.

So I should probably take a vacation, even it’s just to stay
at home, bundled with my dogs and watch silly movies at home. I just don’t
think I can make myself do that. Maybe this weekend will make me feel better
since The Parents are coming to visit.

I hope you guys are having a better October than I am. Tell
me a funny so we can both laugh and then go get mulled cider or something.

Utterly Random Musing

Do you ever feel so much that you think your body is going
to burst? Have you thought something was so beautiful or so sweet that your
heart hurt… your chest, right where your heart is, actually hurt? I’ve been
feeling that way almost constantly for a little bit. The smallest thing is
taking my breath away, my heart hurt as I drove past the foliage and gorgeous
scenery that makes up my home, and hot, sweet memories are making me bite my
lip and smile. It’s almost uncomfortable feeling this way. Because as full as
it leaves me, I also sense very deeply an emptiness. The slightest thing is
also making me tear up. I am extra sensitive to the time apart from those I
deem important. It’s almost too much to bear.

I feel like I’m going to explode into stardust.

Burst the Bubble

Would you rather know the details of something that was
awful and had the potential to deeply disturb you and stay with you or would
you rather be blissfully unaware?

I ask this because often I will learn of something that is
so awful I feel I have to share, but I know most people don’t want to hear
about it. Part of me can’t blame them. I’m the kind of person who has scenes
and phrases that will replay in my mind for years and years. It’s not nice to
have that kind of thing in your head. It’s not comfortable.

Joe used to ask why I would look at articles of animal abuse
or get involved in trying to save animals on the euthsinia list if it made me
cry. He couldn’t understand why anyone would continue to do something that
clearly upset them.

But if everyone looks away, ignores what is happening, then
who steps up? Who says “This isn’t right, there has to be another way. There
has to be a way to stop this from happening.”? I understand the idea of staying
in that comfortable bubble. I get why people want to leave things alone.

But I can’t always be that person. What do you do? It’s okay
to be in that bubble… you have to be able to work on yourself before you work
on the world. I’m just curious how people see themselves.

Hanging On for the Ride

It’s hard getting my thoughts in order and then down on the page. I’m so used to being able to write nearly effortlessly that this… disconnect has been very strange for me. Obviously, I don’t write as much as I did and things have been very stressful for the past…. year. But still… I feel I should still write as well and easily as before.

Things have been very black and white lately. 2011 is pulling a Dickens and becoming the best and worst of times. My self-confidence and self-worth have risen to a level I never thought possible. I’ve met some great people and gotten closer to others that I treasure. I find myself a stronger person. However, it’s also been a year of some serious depression and upheavals. Change can be good, but it is always stressful and plans never work out quite the way you saw them originally.

What’s all this vague blah blah blah about? A great example is the end of the July heading into the foreseeable future. My heart was filled to bursting as I traveled back to NEPA to attend the wedding of the Philosopher to his beautiful partner. I got to spend some serious quality time with some of my best friends. Shaba and I have decided this seeing each other once a year for weddings bullshit has to stop. We’re out of mutual friends prepared to make the leap, afterall.

However, the day I arrived, I also got the news I was dreading about the health of a close family member. It is an interesting feeling in the heart to feel incredibly happy and devastated at the same time. Then mix in some fury, since I deal with things well. We won’t even mention the stress from job concerns, since that takes a serious back seat to this.

Another layer added on to this complicated trifle of emotions was that right as all of this was happening, I was also starting something more than just an exchange of emails with a guy from one of the dating sites. The first one to grab my attention and keep it. To make my heart pound. The first one to make me act like a total girl and throw on thirty different outfits before meeting for pizza. He can make me smile from just a text and has me constantly laughing and happy when I’m with him. And I seem to be doing the same things for him (although he’d probably object to being called a girl and I doubt he put on thirty outfits before meeting me at the drive-in last night).

Of course because it’s me, he can’t be a simple guy in my mountains, just doing his thing. No, he’s a Navy man (mmm, that uniform)(also bonus points due to serious pride for my father’s Naval service) who is going through his own share of troubles. An hour and a half away from me. But if he can brighten my heart through the health issues and missing of friends and I can make him laugh despite his situation, then I think this is worth further exploration.

So my life is a roller coaster with some pretty serious dips and turns right now. Good thing I like adventure, right?

How are all of you? Screaming up and down a roller coaster or taking a turn in the tea cups?